Weekly Adventures 9.8.17

Now that this is my third post in the weekly adventure series, this means it's a trend, right?? It's fun to be banging out these little updates and I'm stoked for other content that is in the works and on its way!

Honestly this week wasn't super exciting, because it's one of the only weeks in September where I'm actually here in Toronto! I have some great travel plans coming up so I think I was hibernating in anticipation of everywhere that I'm off to. The long weekend was pretty relaxed and I allowed myself to lay low, nap, watch Drag Race, get my September group started and be very low key.

I did head down to Harbourfront for an awesome show with Sharron Matthews and Shawn Hitchins. They are two of my very favourite performers (and people!) in Toronto and it was a joy to see them onstage together. Shawn has a new book out called A Brief History of Oversharing and based on the story he shared from the book onstage, I think it's going to be a lot of fun to read. Really glad that I got to see the show and was an awesome night out.

I don't know if I've ever mentioned Impact Kitchen on the blog, but if you follow me on social media you've certainly seen me share my experiences there. It's so good! They use real food ingredients and their meals have a paleo focus. I love that I can go there and it always fits right into my style of eating. I treated myself to the paleo waffles and they were crispy, smothered in cashew cream and fruit and absolutely lovely. I can't wait until they open their location on the west side - even though it's going to be totally dangerous having it so much closer to me!

In other mundane news, I'm working on growing out my hair - so this teeny tiny ponytail made an appearance in my week. After having very short hair for the last two years, I'm ready for a bit of a change so my stylist is helping me to make the transition. This means that the back left side of my hair is longer than the right side and I sort of feel like an awkward teenager. We'll see if I last through actually growing it out into something longer!

I randomly ended up with a bag of puffed quinoa and I'm trying to sort out how to use it. So far it's just gone on top of yogurt, but I may try to recreate some puffed quinoa squares...

What I'm listening to: Everything Todrick Hall

Oh ehm gee -- what rock have I been living under??! Todrick Hall is giving me LIFE. What a phenomenal talent. His 90s mashups are just a small sample of what he does and I absolutely want to see him on broadway ASAP.

Quote of the week: Do something today your future self will thank you for

Next week I'll be coming at you from Wakefield, Quebec where my best friend will be getting married a week from today!! I am over the moon thrilled to see her and be a part of her very special day. Looking forward to a great adventure!

Happy Friday kittens xo

Weekly Adventures 8.25.17

I've been writing this blog for a long time, and steadily over the last few years I've been writing less and less. While I love writing, blogging always seems to be the last thing on my to-do list, and often I feel overwhelmed at the thought of creating something that's worthy of sharing. I've got draft upon draft of unfinished posts along with a laundry list of ideas written in notebooks and my planner that have never come into fruition

That ends now!

I miss blogging regularly, and so to force myself to get something in here at least once a week I'm starting a series tentatively titled "Weekly Adventures". In this post that I'll share on Fridays, I'll share some highlights from my week, along with things that I'm reading or doing, plus things that are inspiring me along the way. Part of what has stopped me from blogging previously is that I felt like my posts needed to be "about" something specific. This new series will take some of that pressure off, and give me an excuse to write and share more about my adventures. So here we go!

I feel like I'm sort of cheating to start this new series this week, since it was a pretty eventful one!

Over the weekend I attended canfitpro's World Fitness Expo once again, and got to work out with Shaun T and slip in for a meet and greet. He's always so inspiring and his workout was a doozy. This time I managed to contain my crying for just the workout and enjoyed every moment of the meet & greet.

On Sunday, I took a leap outside my comfort zone and completed my certification to become a CORE DE FORCE instructor!!

I got to attend the training with Joel and Jericho, and spent the day learning more about the program, the details of the movement, along with how to teach a live class. It pushed me mentally and physically, but I'm excited to keep learning and growing with the goal of teaching my first class before the end of 2017. Between Saturday's intense workout and Sunday's all-day training, on Monday everything hurt. Like, everything. Even muscles and body parts that I didn't know existed!!

What I'm listening to: Coldplay

On Tuesday I got to go to the Coldplay concert at the Skydome and it was phenomenal! They put on an amazing live show - I was honestly so impressed with everything from the set list, to the lighting / video, to the talent of all the musicians and their energy. I got to enjoy the show from a TV box, complete with space for a dance party and our own private washroom. It was a pretty special evening!

What I'm reading: Ashley Amplified
Thanks to Kelly from So She Glows for featuring me this week as part of her Patchwork Project.

Quote of the week: Be badass.
Badassery inspired by my instructor training and the incredible Joel & Jericho.

This was the first instalment of my weekly adventures!

While I've got a bunch of other posts in the works (including lessons learned from therapy and my break-up, my experience doing the ketogenic diet, the workouts I've been loving and more) I'd love to hear if you have anything you'd like me to write about! Message me here or find me on Instagram. Over there you can also follow along with my weekly adventures in real time as I share things in my Instagram Stories!

Have a great weekend!

xo

Brene Brown - The Power of Vulnerability

"When we were children, we used to think that when we were all grown up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability. To be alive is to be vulnerable."

- Madeleine L'Engle

I started reading Brene Brown's book Daring Greatly last week and I've become completed engrossed in her research, teachings and philosophy. So many people view vulnerability as a weakness, and in her book she dispels this myth and argues that it is actually our most accurate measure of courage. Her ideas resonate deeply with me and I can't wait to keep reading. 

In this TEDTalk she discusses her research of wholeheartedness and the power of vulnerability. Pretty incredible stuff. 

"Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness"

-Brene Brown

choose love

I'm often asked about the positive, open attitude that I carry in life.

"Have you always been this way?" someone recently inquired.

And the answer is pretty much yes.

Growing up, I was a happy, bubbly, open child. It was something that my mum recognized at a very young age and as a result hoped that I would be someone she could confide in later on in life. "[Ashley] is such an open child and I feel very close to her, maybe she'll be the one I open my whole heart to. Time will tell".

Following my mother's death, I made a conscious effort to maintain my positive outlook. Her death was a tragedy, but I didn't care to wallow in my grief. It wasn't easy, but I knew that my mother would have wanted me to continue to fully live, learn from my experiences and embrace all that life has to offer.

“I believe that every single event in life that happens is an opportunity to choose love over fear.” ~Oprah Winfrey

During savasana in a yoga class over the weekend, I found myself thinking "in with love, out with fear" and I was overcome with a wave of calm and acceptance. I've realized that my positive attitude and my perspective on life comes from my decision to choose love. 

Over the last two weeks I've had to make some big decisions. I've had moments of being overwhelmed by the choices at hand and how they would impact my life. While maybe a little frightening at times, making a conscious shift to positivity and love has had a profound impact. My decision to choose love over fear has allowed me to feel excited and rejuvenated by these choices, trust my intuition and recognize the abundance of awesomeness and potential in my life.

When we choose love instead of fear, doors open, serendipitous opportunities present themselves and we are empowered to live the life of our dreams. Isn't that what we're all striving for?

Today (and every day) I encourage you to choose love.

Looking for more? Check out my sweet friend Meghan's creed and Gabrielle Bernstein's May Cause Miracles.

just being me

It's crazy to think that as of this past weekend, it's been a whole year since I led my last Weight Watchers meeting.

It was a tough decision to make after following the program since 2006, losing 30 lbs and becoming a leader in 2007. The first week that I didn't wake up on a Saturday morning at the crack of dawn felt very strange and for awhile I felt a void in my life.

I missed my members.
I missed the community.
I missed the inspirational quotes.
And I missed helping people succeed in their journeys.

On the flip side of all of that, I felt like a new person.

For a long time I had felt a lot of pressure about my weight and the way I looked and was perceived. I felt the need to be a role model to so many and was also really tired of sending my weight to head office. Not being a leader gave me the freedom to just be me and end my war with the scale.

Being a year away from doing Weight Watchers also means that it's been about a year since I've weighed myself. I'd be lying if I said that it's been smooth sailing, but so far in 2013 I've been feeling pretty great physically.

I've been eating well, being active (back to Insanity) and in general feeling happy, calm and beautiful. It's refreshing to just feel that way, rather than letting an inanimate object dictate my overall perception of my body. I know that I wouldn't be where I am without doing Weight Watchers, but I also realize that it was a stepping stone for me and that I was ready to move forward. I feel good and I like it.

"We can't become what we need to be by remaining what we are" ~Oprah

My intuition told me that it was the right time to move forward and a year later I can look back and say that I was absolutely right.

Often the hardest decisions are the most important ones to make.

It's ok to not be ok

Talking about depression isn't easy. This is part of the reason why the Life is Sweet project was so important to me; I truly believe that we need to open up a dialogue about mental illness because it is happening all around us. I'm thankful to have people in my life who get it and are willing to talk about their experiences.

I’m not sure if it’s genetic, environmental or a stroke of unfortunate luck that I have mental illness. It’s not as if I chose to be this way, it just is what it is. After many years of struggle it’s incredibly liberating to say, “it’s ok not to be ok.” The backstory is that I started to experience severe depression and anxiety as a teenager and well into my twenties. I didn’t talk about it, I didn’t look for help, I simply suffered in silence. I was embarrassed because on the outside I tried to project a happy, loving and relatively optimistic person but on the inside it became almost debilitating to go to sleep, wake up, try to get out of bed and live a life of “normalcy.” It was incredibly frustrating to be split into two people – the one I so desperately wanted to be and the other who was caught in misery’s chokehold.

 “I feel like a defective model, like I came off the assembly line flat-out fucked and my parents should have taken me back for repairs before the warranty ran out.” ― Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation

At twenty-five I experienced something that forever changed my life; I witnessed someone commit suicide. In seconds, I saw a life end and didn’t know why. I didn’t even know the name of this man, just the very last expression on his face before his life ended. Can I tell you how f*cked that is? If I can pull any sort of positive from this experience is it is; life is precious. You are given one body and it is to be loved, respected and treated with the upmost care. I started practicing yoga, became a vegetarian, enrolled back in school to become a nutritionist and learned how to find beauty in everything.

This was fine and well until depression knocked on my door again and I wasn’t prepared for its visit. And with depression came attempted suicide, also known as rock bottom. It’s not so much that I wanted to die; it’s that I wanted to stop hurting day after day. Fortunately when you are at your lowest, the only place you can go is up. I am a full believer in integrative healing (meaning both traditional and alternative methods); so with this in mind and a combination of diet, supplements, yoga, therapy and medication I was on the path to recovery. Am I 100% better? Nope. Will I ever be? I can’t answer that but I now have coping skills to help me through.

“Depression is the most unpleasant thing I have ever experienced. . . . It is that absence of being able to envisage that you will ever be cheerful again. The absence of hope. That very deadened feeling, which is so very different from feeling sad. Sad hurts but it's a healthy feeling. It is a necessary thing to feel. Depression is very different.” ― J.K. Rowling

Most importantly, I learned that it is ok to not be ok. It’s ok to have mental illness. According to the Canadian Mental Health Association one in five adult Canadians will suffer a mental disorder in their lifetime. If I can leave you with any sort of advice, it is this; if you have mental illness, talk about it and carry with you even the smallest amount of hope that things will get better. Trust me, things will get better.

“You do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going. What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith and hope.” ― Thomas Merton

2013 So Far

We're a little more than a week into 2013 and so far I'm liking this new year...

• I am following the intentions I set at the end of 2012 and also having fun working on my January goals.
• While I simply attended last year, this year I've agreed to be auctioned off for charity.
• The cool folks at Beach Body Canada have sent me Insanity to check out and I'm starting this weekend. Two people have told me that they've barfed following the fit test. I'm thrilled. 
• I've been reading some inspiring posts about 2013 and feel good about what's ahead... 
• I did a photo shoot for an upcoming show/project that I can't wait to share with you. 

MJS Photography

MJS Photography

It's going to be a pretty awesome and inspiring and emotional time here on the blog and in my life in February. #lifeissweet is on its way and some pretty incredible people are involved. Details are coming!!

My favourite quote of the moment:


“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”

~Louise Erdrich

Here We Go…

On Saturday I led my last Weight Watchers meeting. I’m still in a bit of shock and I’m not sure that it feels real yet.

I’ve been insinuating that change was on its way and this decision is something I’ve been going back and forth on for awhile. I promised myself when I became a leader that the day I stopped loving it would be the day I quit. While I never stopped loving my job, it didn’t feel like the right thing for me anymore. I’m ready to just have two jobs (as an executive assistant and performer) and focus my energy on rocking those two things and also give myself some much needed Ashley time.

I delivered this speech to all 4 of my classes on Wednesday and Saturday:

It is with a heavy heart and mixed emotions that I share the news that I am leaving the Weight Watchers organization.

This journey started for me 6 years ago when I made the decision to lose weight. I lost 30 lbs, but little did I know what a huge impact that my choice would have on me, and subsequently many other people. My life has changed so much from that day back in 2006 and I have grown so much as a person.

I am so thankful for the people I've met and the transformations I've witnessed. I estimate that I have led more than 1000 meetings and watched hundreds of people change their lives through diet, exercise and changes in their lifestyles. It has been an incredible experience and I am so grateful for each and every moment.

I am so proud of everything you have accomplished on the scale and off. I love the community we have developed in the meeting room and I hope that you will continue to inspire, motivate and challenge one another. Thank you for making this meeting room a safe and special place; as one of my members has often said "there is magic in the chairs".

This has been a huge chapter of my life but I am looking forward to what lies ahead for me. I hope that you will continue to share your journeys with me and can't wait to hear about your accomplishments. I am always here to support you, although now it will no longer be as your weight watchers leader, but instead, as a friend.

Thank you for allowing me to do this job  for the last 5 years. I appreciate your openness, candour, determination, perspective and love so much. Every one of you has inspired me, pushed me and enriched my life more than you'll ever know. I hope I have inspired and motivated you to accomplish more than you believed you could. You're all so amazing and I am just so proud of you. I know that you'll continue to support, motivate and inspire one another and continue to accomplish great things.

I felt that it was important that I end with a quote and it's taken me a little while to find the perfect one... Here it goes:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

~Marianne Williamson

I’ve shed many tears over this decision, but I know that it is the right one for me. At my last meetings, there were many tears and a great number of hugs. My members were so wonderful and supportive, and I was so proud that on Saturday morning, two of my members reached Lifetime after losing 77 and 88 lbs respectively(!!!) It was an incredible way to leave and I’m confident that my members will continue to have fantastic success in their meetings. I will be rooting for all of them.

Change is hard, but also necessary. I’m sure I will cry some more and likely wake up on a few Saturday mornings in a bit of a panic thinking I need to be somewhere else, but I’m excited for what the future holds for me. Here we go…

Smile, Open Your Eyes, Love and Go On

14 years ago, on February 24, 1998 at about 8:00 in the morning I was sitting next to my mother’s body, begging something bigger and more powerful than me to bring her back to life. I held her and hugged her and hoped and prayed and did everything I could possibly think of to keep her with me. The events of the 24 hours prior played out in my brain repeatedly and I found myself crying out of sadness and despair and guilt for not telling her that I loved her before I went to sleep the night before. No one responded to my wishes and she didn’t wake up. My mum was taken to the hospital and about an hour later my grandmother got the call to say that she was gone.

On February 25, 1998, I went to school. I was in the 8th grade and I went to the office when I arrived to give them a note and inform them that I had been absent on the day prior because my mother had died. While I was sitting in my first period class, I was called down to the principal’s office during homeroom and he asked me what I was doing at school. I told him that I didn’t know where else to be. I didn’t want to be at home, because we were staying with friends and I felt out of place. I didn’t want to be making arrangements for my mother’s funeral and I didn’t want to be left alone anywhere with my thoughts. School gave me a distraction and a great support system. I had a wonderful guidance counsellor, a fabulous homeroom teacher and a great group of friends. I knew where I needed to be, and if it was okay with him, I intended to stay.

It’s been 14 years since my mum died, and I’ve spent the last 5,110 days trying to figure this whole thing out. I am the person I am because my mum took her own life 2 months before my 14th birthday. And somehow, most of the time I manage to be pretty okay.

I think when something tragic happens to a person, you can go one of two ways: you can wallow in it or you can rise above it. I’ve always been one to rise above. In the years that followed my mum’s death, I went to counselling, talked openly about what had happened and in some ways distanced myself from other family members who were stuck in their grief, sadness and blame. I miss her every day and feel sad for all the experiences we won’t share, but I haven’t let it hold me back from the life I  have wanted to live. Her death inspired me to live life to its fullest potential and in the last 14 years I’ve done everything in my ability to do just that.

I work really hard to keep that spirit alive in me, but every year come February I watch that strength start to crumble. As the day approaches that sadness builds up and I never really know how it’s going to manifest itself within me. I’ve been coping with my mother’s death for a longer period of time than I got to enjoy her life and I’ve realized that it doesn’t ever get easier. I’ve spent a lot of this week trying to keep my shit together so I could go on with my regular life, but have found myself locked in bathroom stalls sobbing or crying myself to sleep more than once. It’s exhausting. And hard. But I know I’ll get past this too.

“You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

~ David Harkins

Today will be tough, but I know that tomorrow I will wake up and I will be finished with February 24th for another year. I have plans in the next 24 hours to see some of my very favourite people and I’m going to allow myself to feel whatever it is that I feel. It’s likely that I will cry, but I’ll probably smile too, because I know that that’s what she would have wanted to see.

xo

Life As a Process of Self Discovery

There have been many things that have been keeping me from blogging lately…

Getting ready for the next instalment of the Ashleyx2 cabaret

Ash and I are thrilled to be putting on another cabaret and this time it’s in celebration of our birthdays! (Mine is this Friday – more on the “birth week” to come!)

Getting cast in a show for the 2011 Toronto Fringe

We had the first read through last night and I’m excited to be a part of Fringe once again. The cast for Chicken Coop’s Cellar Hotel is really talented and the artistic team is bursting with passion and enthusiasm for the project. I love surrounding myself with creative people who love what they do as much as I do.

I’ve also found myself making my lunch more often… Raw Mexican inspired “rice” from Choosing Raw

Huge salads – some just created with whatever is in my fridge or inspired by great recipes, like the deconstructed sushi salad from Appetite for Reduction.

And why is this?
Well, I’m back in a 9-5 job.
Gah, I know.

It was a really tough decision, but it needed to be done. While my year and 3 months away from the office world was amazing, I just couldn’t continue to live the way I was living. I was becoming burnt out in my crazy all-over-the-place schedule, going broke, and as a result was unable to do all the things that I want to do. Going back to work 9-5 is allowing me the flexibility to travel; I’m finally going to get to NYC in the fall. Newfoundland, Montreal, somewhere hot and Europe are also on my must-go list in the next 12 months. It’s also allowing me to re-enrol in school, so I’ll probably be taking at least one more class before the summer is over.

There was part of me that struggled with going back to work because I felt like I was failing. I had decided that 9-5 wasn’t for me and that I was going to step outside the box and create my own schedule and do all the things that I love to do. I absolutely did that and loved it all. I had an amazing year in 2010 and if I could I would continue on that path… but it just wasn’t sustainable.

Working 9-5 still allows me the flexibility to do a lot of things that I love:

• perform – as seen by the 2 shows I mentioned at the beginning of this post. I’ll also be singing in another cabaret on May 1st as well as a corporate gig on May 3 and have aspirations to audition for everything and anything I can
• work for Weight Watchers – which I had to give up my daytime meetings (and I miss my members a lot!!) I still have my Wednesday and Saturday meetings… and to be honest it feels a lot less like work. Even one of my receptionists commented that I had a different energy in my meetings. While I always enjoyed my meetings, it’s back to feeling like that little thing that I do on the side and no longer feels like a job.
• go back to school – I can pay tuition again, so I’ll be finishing my designation in the evenings
• take care of me – my schedule was kind of erratic and stability means I generally eat lunch at the same time each day. I have time to hit the gym in the morning or after work

Last month I totally rocked on the activity front and I can’t wait to do it again in April. I’m working on feeling great and hitting the gym and eating well is a really important part of that. I’ve also been attending a weekly Weight Watchers meeting as a member. Yes, I know the topic and the leader and many of the things we’re discussing should be second nature, but it’s really true that people who attend Weight Watchers meetings lose 3 times more weight than people who go at it alone. It has become an important time for me to focus on where I want to be and spend time with some amazing and motivating friends. It’s also great to see Lindsay in action!

Looking for a job is a full-time job and I was just really lucky that there were some incredible opportunities out there that were a great fit for me and my skill set. (If you’re looking for a job, check out sites like Work in Culture, Media Job Search Canada and Charity Village for jobs you’re not going to find on the more traditional job search sites) I started looking and submitting my resume on February 24, was offered a job on March 11 and started on March 14!!

I’m back in an executive assistant role in a fantastic office downtown. The people in my office are awesome (especially the girls I sit with), I’m enjoying random lunch and tea dates with friends in offices nearby and I can’t wait to start riding my bike to the office in the summer.

I’ve been so much less stressed in the past few weeks, and the way everything fell into place, I realized that this is the right decision for me right now. I feel a lot happier and a lot more balanced than I have in a long time.

I’m also hoping that being in a more regular schedule is going to allow me to blog some more… because I know I’ve been neglecting this because I just haven’t had the time! Coming up in the month of April I’ll be posting about my birthday week festivities, the Ashleyx2 cabaret, and a sweet giveaway and product review that I’m really excited about!!

What are you excited about in April? How do you remain flexible and kind to yourself with changes that may occur in your life?

Juicy, Exciting, Positive Intentions for 2011

This post has been a few weeks in the making, mostly because I’ve been busy with my latest show,  doing lots of PR for Weight Watchers (appearing in the Globe and Mail, Metro and on Rogers daytime tv making baked falafels) and generally finding some calm in my chaos.

I’ve done some reflecting on my 2010 goals and despite it being a challenging year in many ways, I am really proud of all that I accomplished. Here is a recap of my goals and my current thoughts on how I fared.

• Taking care of myself by eating well, tracking, drinking tea, sleeping, practicing yoga, spending time with friends, singing, writing, dancing and working out

I would be lying if I said I found this easy to do this year. While I feel really healthy and my Crohn’s is still in check, I struggled to find balance and a happy place for myself amid everything that I do. I did spend time eating well, tracking, drinking tea, sleeping, practicing yoga, seeing friends, singing, writing, dancing and working out, but probably could have focused more on eating well, sleeping and finding balance.

• Taking advantage of my education and being an active participant in my classes

School was incredible, but after I started to become apathetic about it, decided to take some time away. I was so enthusiastic in the beginning, but realized that performing was where my heart was and decided to take some time off. This has been an amazing decision and I look forward to going back at some point to obtain my designation as a holistic nutritionist.

• Helping even more members reach their goals with Weight Watchers, including getting to Lifetime

Leading up to 10 meetings each week has been absolutely amazing and in the past 8 weeks I’ve been able to be a part of the media buzz surrounding PointsPlus. I absolutely love our new program and am so happy to have helped even more people reach their weight loss goals in 2010.

• Journaling regularly, writing a book, blogging regularly and exploring other writing opportunities

Um… didn’t really do very well on this front. I’m so happy to have had my blog as an outlet, but it took a bit of a backseat in my life. Did some journaling but like my blog posts, they were sporadic epic updates!!

• Raising a minimum $2,500 for the Toronto Heel n Wheel a Thon and continuing to raise awareness of IBD through my role as Honorary Chair and fun initiatives on the blog

I raised $3,000 for the Heel n Wheel a thon and was able to raise more awareness of IBD as Honorary Chair and through my blog.

• Giving my all in my performing career through my upcoming role in REX, getting new headshots and actively auditioning for awesome roles

I’m really happy with all the shows I did in 2010, and the realization that performing is what I want to be doing with my life right now. I had so much fun with REX, got new headshots and through some great auditions, landed some pretty awesome roles. I was inspired by many things and some delightful people and couldn’t be happier to head into 2011 with my career as a performer at the top of my priority list.

With all of that in mind, I’m sticking with my go big or go home motto for 2011:

• Perform more than ever, get an agent and get paid to do what I love
• Produce the second instalment of the Ashleyx2 cabaret
• Find peace in my body image while eating well, exercising, sleeping and taking care of me
• Travel

2010 was a year of transition and change in so many ways and I believe that everything I did set me up for success this year. I’m so excited for what is to come!! I’m kicking off the year with a great show, some delightful reading material to keep me inspired (Getting Kris Carr’s Crazy Sexy Diet later this week and have already started Alicia Silverstone’s Kind Diet, Meghan’s 21 Days to Health) and getting on those goals of mine. I’m also loving this quote I found the other day:

"The hardest thing in the world is convincing other people to love the same thing you do. But the fact that it's hard does not diminish your love – it must not. You go on loving that thing because, even if it's naïve, even if it's foolish, even if it's wrong, you believe in the very marrow of your bones that you will be able to convince them, eventually, some time. That certainty, that passion is too valuable to surrender in the face of resistance. You may not have convinced them yet; you will."  

~Jason Robert Brown

2011 is going to be a fantastic year. I can feel it.

Looking back on 2010, what are you proud of?
What are your goals in 2011 and how are they coming along so far?

Living the Width

“I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I lived just the length of it.  I want to have lived the width of it as well”. 

~Diane Ackerman

"You can't do anything about the length of your life, but you can do something about its width and depth."

~Evan Esar

A few weeks ago one of my Saturday morning members shared the sentiment of these quotes with my meeting and everyone in the room just nodded and clapped in agreement. I’ve been thinking a lot about this concept of late, and I’ve been unknowingly working to apply it all summer.

To me, living the width means savouring the present moment. I have been so blessed this year to be living the most amazing life I know how. While I have had some challenges, I couldn’t be happier with everything that surrounds me each day. When I originally decided to go to school, I didn’t think I would be starting until this September. I think back to my frame of mind last fall, and cannot imagine having had to wait an entire year to begin school!! I think I would have lost my marbles and been incredibly unhappy. Starting school in January was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made and I don’t know how I ever could have done things differently. It feels so great to be living the life that I want to live and doing so many things that I love. Between Fringe-ing, cottage-ing, picnicking in the park, singing, frolicking in the sunshine, meeting new people or just reading a good book sprawled out at the top of the Riverdale hill, I’ve had a pretty brilliant summer. I feel as though I’ve been living the width of each spontaneous moment and for the first time in a very long time, I’ve been able to actually enjoy summer, rather than be stuck at a desk 9-5. It has truly been a gift.

Living the width of your life also involves listening to your heart. I’m a go-with-my-gut kinda gal. Sometimes this gets me into trouble, but it’s always the right thing to do. It’s so easy to over think/over analyze any situation. This year has taught me that in my heart I know what I need to do, and it’s just about being brave enough to take a leap of faith and actually do it.

While we can positively impact the length of our lives through the choices we are making, it is absolutely up to us to live for the moment and expand the width as well. Every day is a new opportunity to do something great and enjoy the wonderful gifts that life has to offer. I am thankful for this amazing summer that I have had, and look forward to continuing to live the width of my life well beyond 2010.

What does living the width of your life mean to you?

Normally I’m Not One to Brag But…

See this sweaty (but smiling) face? That was me on Friday after boot camp which had been after:

Attack & Flow on Sunday
a run on Monday
Boot Camp on Tuesday
Bellydancing on Wednesday
Attack & yoga on Thursday

I even went back to Attack & Flow yesterday in addition to all of this. I don’t think I’ve ever been so active in one week!! It’s so unlike me, but I’m loving it. I think it might be a new trend.

Coupled with numerous check-ins with this lovely lady: And an assortment of delicious food…     Along with some much-needed ‘me’ time with lots of walks, reading, drinking tea and having fun being a model for a friend studying make-up   Nothing like “being in a car accident” and travelling to the 50’s and back all in one day!

I pretty much rocked this week. This Ashley show is serious business and as a result I’m feeling amazing. Love the feeling of accountability and looking forward to another awesome week! How was YOUR week?

Dusting off the Grief Box

Imagine you have a little box. It is a good-sized box which might be covered in a layer dust on it depending how often you pull it out. The edges might be well worn and the sides perhaps dented from being handled fairly often, or your box may be in pristine condition without a mark or scratch to tell you its been touched. The box is full of memories, but there is always room for one more. Each time you add one, the memories that were previous stored inside come billowing out, reminding you of past experiences.

I feel like grief is that box.

On Saturday I attended a celebration of life for dear Gord, who passed away just before the start of the new year. It was a beautiful service and truly a celebration of his life. Gord would have loved it. He would have been so pleased that it was standing room only, with people laughing, smiling and sharing stories of his wonderful life.

Whenever someone passes away or I have to attend a funeral, I am always transported to my mother’s funeral. My emotions and feelings of grief bubble right back up to the surface and my box of grief splays open. I have spent a lot of my life grieving and healing, but there is something about funerals that takes me right back there.

At the age of 13, my mother’s funeral was the first one I ever attended. I remember going with my grandmother to pick out an outfit for my mother to wear for the viewing. It was a pale green suit that she would have loved, as green was her favourite colour, but was a little more formal than anything I had ever seen her wear (she was a jeans & t-shirt kinda gal). I later went shopping with my grandmother to buy a new outfit to wear for the funeral. “Going somewhere special?”, the helpful saleswoman asked as I tried on black pinstripe pants. “Yes”, my grandmother replied softly before telling me that the pants fit fine and pushing me back into the change room so I wouldn’t have to give any more details as to where I was going.

To be honest, I don’t remember much of the actual funeral. The casket was to be closed for the service, so the funeral staff brought us into a private room just before we were to start so we could say our goodbyes prior to them closing the casket. After “staying very strong” for the 2 viewings, I cried for the entire service. I don’t remember the readings or any of the speakers. I don’t know how many people were there or how big the room was. When it was over I was taken to the front of the funeral home, where I felt like I was in real time while a fast forward movie went on around me. I remember seeing fast-moving blurs of people around me, stopping to talk and leaving a few at a time, but I don’t remember who they were, nor our conversations.

I have one vivid memory from the viewing. I was standing with my uncle outside the room where my mom was, chatting with one of my middle school teachers. There was another viewing taking place in the room across the hall, and from where I was standing I could see the casket of the deceased. There was a woman standing in front of the casket, looking down thoughtfully. I turned back to my conversation, only to be approached by the woman a few seconds later.

“Is that your mom?” she asked, gesturing to my mother’s casket.
“Yes” I replied.
”Show me her”

She took me by the hand and walked up to my mother’s casket with me. Her hand was very cold. We stood there for a few minutes before she said “She was very beautiful”. And walked away.

I am not a religious person, but I truly believe she was an angel. Whether she was a being from another realm or just a kind, kooky soul who wanders around funeral homes in the GTA, it was truly a beautiful moment in my life and something I will hold with me forever. 12 years later, that is one of the only memories of my mom’s funeral that really stands out in my mind. Attending Gord’s service on Saturday brought my grief box out of its tucked away corner, and brought back memories of my mom’s death & funeral as well as many of the subsequent funerals I have attended since then.

On days when I need a little extra love, I always wear a locket my Aunt Sharon gave to me that has a picture of mom in it. It is the perfect anchor. In the picture she looks happy and healthy and it’s comforting to hold her so close to my heart.

On February 24th I will dedicate my performance to my mom and Gord, as the day marks her death anniversary and his birthday.

I will miss Gord’s sense of humour and the mischievous twinkle in his eyes. No one could stop a show like Gord. In the last couple weeks I have cried and laughed as I thought about him and the shows we did together. I will add his memory to my box, and put it back on the shelf until the next time I need it. It won’t be the same without him in the audience on opening night, but I know he’ll be watching from the best seat in the house, sharing a snack and a giggle with my mom.

“Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.”

Go Big Or Go Home – 2010 Goal Setting

As I was preparing to write this post, I found out that a dear member of my theatre company passed away. He was such an amazing man and supporter of the arts and will be greatly missed. It won’t be the same to perform without him in the audience on opening night. My thoughts are with his family and friends.

I led a Weight Watchers meeting this morning and shared the following quote with my members:

The greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it.
~Michelangelo

2009 was a big year for me filled with self-discover, healing, good friends and food and I’m really proud of all that I’ve accomplished. This year I am committing to living every day to the fullest and working towards big, fat, juicy, positive, inspiring goals including:

• Taking care of myself by eating well, tracking, drinking tea, sleeping, practicing yoga, spending time with friends, singing, writing, dancing and working out
• Taking advantage of my education and being an active participant in my classes
• Helping even more members reach their goals with Weight Watchers, including getting to Lifetime
• Journaling regularly, writing a book, blogging regularly and exploring other writing opportunities
• Raising a minimum $2,500 for the Toronto Heel n Wheel a Thon and continuing to raise awareness of IBD through my role as Honorary Chair and fun initiatives on the blog
• Giving my all in my performing career through my upcoming role in REX, getting new headshots and actively auditioning for awesome roles

When I was in theatre school, we were told that we should either “Go Big or Go Home” and I think that will be my motto for the coming year. I am not going to let the fear of success stand in my way in any aspect of my life. I encourage you to do the same in your life. What have you been aspiring to do in recent years, but haven’t committed yourself to fully? What has been standing in your way? What can you do to change that this year? What are your juicy goals for 2010? What can you do to go big or go home?

If you’re looking to be more active this year, why not print off my latest activity chart and get started?

I’ve been looking forward to 2010 for awhile now and I’m absolutely thrilled that we’re hours away. Wishing each and every one of you health and happiness in the year to come. I look forward to hearing about your goals and watching you achieve them in 2010. Here’s to a great, big beautiful year!

It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas…

I’m nearly on holidays and I’m so excited!! Had a really nice day today, which shall continue with my Charis & Zoe Christmas tonight!

Last night as I prepped for my meeting I made my first juice: Beet-apple-pear-ginger (it matches my hair apparently) which was absolutely delicious!! I found my new Breville very easy to use and clean, especially since it comes with it’s own little scrubby brush. Prepare yourself for many juicy photos on the bloggy.

Led three awesome meeting this morning. We were talking about perseverance and persistence, even through the challenging times. I shared this poem with my members:

When things go wrong as they sometimes will;
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill;
When the funds are low, and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but have to sigh;
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but do not quit.
Success is failure turned inside out;
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;
And you can never tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit-
It's when things go wrong that you must not quit.
-- Author Unknown

I encourage you to think back to a time in the past when you were demonstrated perseverance. What did you do? What motivated you? How did it feel? Remember that feeling and hold it close this week if you’re facing challenges at Christmas and New Year’s events. You have the strength and determination within yourself to make great choices and keep going in your journey.

This morning was made extra special by some visiting bloggers… (Andrea, Kerry, Kate, Allie & Kat)

because Kate got to Lifetime today!! Such wonderful icing on the cake. Thank you to all of my members for their hard work and dedication this year. Each and every one of you is doing so well and I look forward to helping more of you get to Lifetime this year. Last year I had 23, let’s shoot for the stars for 2010!!!

Some of my members brought me gifts and cards which was super sweet I felt so spoiled!! One of my members even made me latkes made with quinoa flour and homemade apple sauce after I had mentioned last week that I had been craving them – how adorable is that?? I was so surprised and was incredibly touched by their kindness. It was so great to see everyone and hug and head into this busy festive week on such a positive note.

After the meeting I had lunch with Lindsay at Mocha Mocha. It was so lovely to catch up! I had my usual warm brown rice salad and it did not disappoint. We had a wonderful long chat about life and work and Weight Watchers and other goodness that we had been missing out on for a few weeks. We also exchanged Christmas gifts which was fun!!

I received a beautiful set of bamboo utensils and a book of juice recipes (which was a bonus after Lindsay had seen the post about my Breville) So thoughtful and lovely – I can’t wait to use both!! I’ve promised Lindsay that I will have her over for juice very soon.

I love the holiday season, because it means that I get to spend quality time with all my favourite people!! I feel so blessed and couldn’t ask for anything more!! I hope you’re all having a good weekend and I will be back on Monday with details of the rest of the weekend’s festivities including our gluten free vegan Christmas meal from tonight!!