nothing happens and nothing happens and then everything happens

I kinda wish I could go back and tell the gal in the top photo (who at the time was really unhappy, stressed, not really healthy and pretty good at keeping all of that under wraps) that everything would work out just fine.

Life As a Process of Self Discovery

There have been many things that have been keeping me from blogging lately…

Getting ready for the next instalment of the Ashleyx2 cabaret

Ash and I are thrilled to be putting on another cabaret and this time it’s in celebration of our birthdays! (Mine is this Friday – more on the “birth week” to come!)

Getting cast in a show for the 2011 Toronto Fringe

We had the first read through last night and I’m excited to be a part of Fringe once again. The cast for Chicken Coop’s Cellar Hotel is really talented and the artistic team is bursting with passion and enthusiasm for the project. I love surrounding myself with creative people who love what they do as much as I do.

I’ve also found myself making my lunch more often… Raw Mexican inspired “rice” from Choosing Raw

Huge salads – some just created with whatever is in my fridge or inspired by great recipes, like the deconstructed sushi salad from Appetite for Reduction.

And why is this?
Well, I’m back in a 9-5 job.
Gah, I know.

It was a really tough decision, but it needed to be done. While my year and 3 months away from the office world was amazing, I just couldn’t continue to live the way I was living. I was becoming burnt out in my crazy all-over-the-place schedule, going broke, and as a result was unable to do all the things that I want to do. Going back to work 9-5 is allowing me the flexibility to travel; I’m finally going to get to NYC in the fall. Newfoundland, Montreal, somewhere hot and Europe are also on my must-go list in the next 12 months. It’s also allowing me to re-enrol in school, so I’ll probably be taking at least one more class before the summer is over.

There was part of me that struggled with going back to work because I felt like I was failing. I had decided that 9-5 wasn’t for me and that I was going to step outside the box and create my own schedule and do all the things that I love to do. I absolutely did that and loved it all. I had an amazing year in 2010 and if I could I would continue on that path… but it just wasn’t sustainable.

Working 9-5 still allows me the flexibility to do a lot of things that I love:

• perform – as seen by the 2 shows I mentioned at the beginning of this post. I’ll also be singing in another cabaret on May 1st as well as a corporate gig on May 3 and have aspirations to audition for everything and anything I can
• work for Weight Watchers – which I had to give up my daytime meetings (and I miss my members a lot!!) I still have my Wednesday and Saturday meetings… and to be honest it feels a lot less like work. Even one of my receptionists commented that I had a different energy in my meetings. While I always enjoyed my meetings, it’s back to feeling like that little thing that I do on the side and no longer feels like a job.
• go back to school – I can pay tuition again, so I’ll be finishing my designation in the evenings
• take care of me – my schedule was kind of erratic and stability means I generally eat lunch at the same time each day. I have time to hit the gym in the morning or after work

Last month I totally rocked on the activity front and I can’t wait to do it again in April. I’m working on feeling great and hitting the gym and eating well is a really important part of that. I’ve also been attending a weekly Weight Watchers meeting as a member. Yes, I know the topic and the leader and many of the things we’re discussing should be second nature, but it’s really true that people who attend Weight Watchers meetings lose 3 times more weight than people who go at it alone. It has become an important time for me to focus on where I want to be and spend time with some amazing and motivating friends. It’s also great to see Lindsay in action!

Looking for a job is a full-time job and I was just really lucky that there were some incredible opportunities out there that were a great fit for me and my skill set. (If you’re looking for a job, check out sites like Work in Culture, Media Job Search Canada and Charity Village for jobs you’re not going to find on the more traditional job search sites) I started looking and submitting my resume on February 24, was offered a job on March 11 and started on March 14!!

I’m back in an executive assistant role in a fantastic office downtown. The people in my office are awesome (especially the girls I sit with), I’m enjoying random lunch and tea dates with friends in offices nearby and I can’t wait to start riding my bike to the office in the summer.

I’ve been so much less stressed in the past few weeks, and the way everything fell into place, I realized that this is the right decision for me right now. I feel a lot happier and a lot more balanced than I have in a long time.

I’m also hoping that being in a more regular schedule is going to allow me to blog some more… because I know I’ve been neglecting this because I just haven’t had the time! Coming up in the month of April I’ll be posting about my birthday week festivities, the Ashleyx2 cabaret, and a sweet giveaway and product review that I’m really excited about!!

What are you excited about in April? How do you remain flexible and kind to yourself with changes that may occur in your life?

It’s The Ashley Show, Therefore I’m In Charge – Everything I’ve Learned In 300 Posts

Ladies & gentlemen (Gentleman? Are there guys who read this blog?) Welcome to Post #300. (Festive occasions deserve festive attire!! Now if only I could figure out a way to throw confetti through each of your computer screens…) 

Some things that I’ve learned along the way…

• Being diagnosed with Crohn’s changed my life, but perhaps not in the ways that I thought it would. It has opened doors for me and I’ve learned that you can quit your job, start fresh and live the life of your dreams. I’ve embraced gluten free vegan life and I’m in love with all the delicious food I eat; as a result of this, my Crohn’s is in check and I’m no longer in pain every day or suffering the way I used to. Amazing!
  
• I’ve been able to accomplish some things that I don’t know if I ever dreamed possible with my eating, physical activity, bellydancing, my job, performing, and learning from past experiences.
  
• Maintaining a healthy lifestyle takes work, but it’s so worth it to feel great. I can’t imagine going back to the life I used to live and feeling the way I did back then. This is good.

I often walk away from my Weight Watchers meetings quoting things that my members have said, revelling in their wisdom and shared experiences. On Saturday one of my members said [after talking about choices she had made during the week] “It’s the ____ show and I’m in charge of my choices”. It really resonated with me because I’ve been f---ing up the Ashley show something big lately and I need to step up my game and be accountable for my choices. I have learned way too much and worked too hard to backtrack and I’m not a particularly passive person in ANYTHING that I do. After all, my motto for 2010 was "Go big or go home", so here goes nothing.

This means that May is going to be a month of me holding myself accountable to my choices with food and activity. Lindsay and I have been sending one another nightly accountability emails for the past few weeks and her support is really helping me to stay on track. On Sunday I hit the gym for BodyFlow and my first ever BodyAttack class in an effort to kick start my week with a healthy dose of exercise. I LOVED BodyAttack!! I will definitely be doing this class more often. After doing Boot Camp for the last 8 weeks, I felt confident in my ability to do a lot of the moves (including lots of push-ups on my toes!) and enjoyed the energy of the instructor and participants in the class. I will definitely be doing Attack again.

And more FIT CHICKS.

And more bellydancing.

And making good choices with food.

And being kind to myself through talking about my feelings, journaling, spending time with people I love and getting enough rest and “me time”.

These are all things I can do, and I’m excited to do them.

Here’s to post #301 and beyond!!

Weight Maintenance For the Long Haul – What Does It Take?

In August of 2006, I decided that I needed to lose weight. There are probably people who have heard this story 1,000 times (and I’ve told versions of my beginnings on the blog before, here in pictures here with my fat vest and here with an old Myspace journal entry) but it was after seeing my EuroTrip 2006 pictures that I recognized that I needed to make a change in my life. I was feeling terrible about my body and realized that I had terrible eating habits with no sense of moderation. It was hard and I struggled, but ultimately I got to my goal weight and was awarded my Lifetime membership to Weight Watchers.

April 11, 2010 marked my three year anniversary of being at goal and a vow to myself that I would never go back to that weight or feeling that way.

In three years I’ve been able to maintain fairly successfully and I’ve always been under my “official” goal weight. When I got really sick, I lost more weight, but some of it back on and then maintained around there for a long time. In the last few months my weight has fluctuated a bit and I’ve been working to get back into my sweet spot, but for the last three years I’ve been where I want to be. It’s been work, but I’ve done it.

A few weeks ago I received an email from one of my members with a link to an article on a recent poll regarding weight loss and maintenance. The poll showed that more than 2/3 of Canadians had tried to loss weight over the last five years and of that number less than 25% had been able to maintain a weight loss over a five year period.

Added to this, in class on Monday we were discussing obesity. Now I had always known that once you have gained weight, it’s easier for your body to gain it back, but I didn’t know that it actually a factor at the cellular level. My basic understanding is that when we gain weight, our fat cells multiply and get bigger. When we lose weight, the fat cells shrink in size, but we are left with the same number of fat cells. Thanks, biology.

So what does it take to be part of “results not typical” group? In my experience there has been so much more to losing weight and keeping it off than eating right and exercise; it has come down to attitude, habits and behaviour.

When it comes to weight loss, it seems that many people go into it thinking that they will change their eating habits temporarily, lose the weight and then go back to the way they used to eat/live. Or sometimes in order to lose weight they will deprive themselves of all their favourite things and restrict themselves so much that they get frustrated and binge and/or quit. Neither of these approaches are a formula for longevity and I think both can attribute to people gaining weight back after they’ve lost it.

I think the moment you try to lose weight and you think of it as a “diet” or something temporary, it is going to be just that. In order for things you to stick, I really believe that you need to embrace the changes as embarking on a new lifestyle. In that paradigm it seems much more permanent and solid; a resolution or way of living rather than just a band aid on the problem or quick fix. Quick fixes don’t address the issues at hand, nor do they last.

I’ve been known in my meetings to say “there is no save button at goal” and quote Leslie Beck by saying that everything you need to do in order to lose weight is everything you need to do to keep it off. To maintain your weight you need to keep up with the way you’re eating and you need to be exercising but you also need to be maintaining your habits, continually setting goals and maintaining an overall positive attitude about the changes you’ve made in your life. Your habits, behaviour and attitude are going to be the glue that holds everything together and are going to be integral in your weight maintenance success.

It takes a lot of guts to make the decision to lose weight. It’s not an easy task, but definitely a rewarding one. When you find your groove, it’s really exciting and reaching the place you want to be is ridiculously fulfilling. It’s at this point that you need to make the conscious decision to continue forward by giving yourself permission to embrace your new lifestyle as part of your identity.

In 2006 when I joined WW, I never would have dreamed of the places this path has taken me. It’s been a long and winding road, but I’m really proud of how far I have come and I continue to look forward to the next leg of the journey. I have learned so much about myself since 2006 and I know that this learning will just continue in the days to come. My motivation for keeping the weight off has changed, but it is something that I am determined to do. Every day I am reminded that I am not perfect and that this is something I’m going to have to work at (even just a little bit) for the rest of my life and you know what? I’m okay with that. I want to go back to Europe and take new pictures, because I no longer cringe when I see photos of myself like I did back in 2006.   Is maintenance hard? Sometimes, yes.

But is it better than going back to 30+ lbs ago and feeling the way I did then? Absolutely.

I want to open this up to you now because I know this can be a fairly hot topic and one that a lot of people want guidance on… 

If you’ve lost weight or changed your lifestyle in the past, what has helped you to keep it up? What habits, behaviours or shifts in attitude have helped you to be successful? Have you been able to maintain your weight loss/lifestyle changes? If not, what changed? What do you think it takes to keep weight off in the long term?

 

Celebrating the Year That Was – 2009 Edition

My Saturday morning meeting is closed today due to Boxing Day, so I sent my members a video meeting talking about this week’s topic: celebrating. In the video I’ve encouraged my members to celebrate their accomplishments in the year that has passed as well as set some goals for the new year. I’ve decided to take my own advice and celebrate my accomplishments from 2009:

• I quit my job and enrolled in nutrition school
• I received 2 major awards as a Weight Watchers Leader 
  
• I led more than 25 people to Lifetime membership and countless others achieve their goals
• I blogged 4 times as much as I did in 2008 and have increased my readership by leaps and bounds
• I performed leads in two wonderful shows (Silk Stockings & Annie)
• I performed in my first and second belly dance recitals
• I completed an 8 week Boot Camp and saw great changes in my body and felt proud of my accomplishments both mental and physical
• I did a complete overhaul of my eating and am now gluten free and vegan
• I continue to actively do everything I can to heal my body and as a result feel amazing
• I have continued to maintain my weight
• I joined a gym and actually use my membership weekly
• I raised $1,724 for my first Heel n Wheel a Thon in support of the Crohn’s & Colitis Foundation of Canada
• I was asked to be the Honorary Chair for Toronto’s 2010 Heel n Wheel a Thon

I will be following this up with a list of goals for 2010 early next week. This list covers a lot of the big stuff and I have to say it feels wonderful to look back at everything that has happened in 2009. I’ve had a lot of fun with friends (old and new) as well as getting to know so many more people through this blog. Thank you for your continued readership and enthusiasm!! 2010 is going to be a year of change for me, and I’m truly looking forward to everything coming my way.

I now encourage all of you to look back on 2009 and celebrate your accomplishments: big, small and everything in between!

Give yourself the credit you deserve and spend some time truly celebrating. Don’t make it about the things you wished you did or things you didn’t do. What’s done is done. I know that each of you have done some remarkable things this year, and now is the time to be proud of yourself. Reflecting on your accomplishments can be incredibly motivating and can be a great source of inspiration when the negative thoughts start to creep in. Positivity is contagious!!

What accomplishments are you celebrating from 2009?

Found my fat vest

Most people have a pair of “fat” pants. Often these types of pants are used as a prop in before and after pictures, where you see the person who has lost weight smiling while wearing pants to demonstrate that they’re clearly too big for them. I love those pictures and seeing those types of clothing from people because it shows such an incredible difference in their bodies!

I don’t have fat pants. I have a fat vest.

In May 2006, I was in a production of Fiddler on the Roof. The costume designer made me a fitted vest to wear for some of my scenes.

It fit me perfectly and hugged all my curves. This was around the time that I started to feel not so great about my weight. I had recently been asked by a director to lose 15 lbs for a role and I was really starting to question how I was feeling in my own skin. This was right before my trip to Europe which prompted my registration at Weight Watchers.

I was doing some cleaning in our basement this weekend and came across the vest. I tried it on and couldn’t believe the difference 3 years has made:

33 lbs gone and that vest is no longer like a second skin!! It feels great to see how spacious the vest is now.

When we’re losing weight, it often takes time for our minds and personal perceptions to catch up with what is actually happening in our bodies. For me, I didn’t really realize how much weight I had lost until nearly 6 months of being at goal, and even now sometimes I need to remind myself that I’m smaller than I used to be.

I think part of the problem is that we see ourselves in the mirror every day, and we can’t notice the .6 here or the 2.4 there. It creeps up in little ways. Maybe you grab larger sizes when you try on clothing or perhaps you think that you need more space to go past someone the street. I also think that it’s hard for many of us to see ourselves in a different light, because for many of us (myself included), our heavier self is the one we might have known for a long time.

I think that non-scale methods can be great tools in helping us to see the progress that we’ve made. Pictures really do speak 1,000 words. It’s an image of ourselves that is caught in time, and sometimes it can really be instrumental in seeing the changes that have occurred. Taking measurements is another good tactic, because the numbers on the tape measure can’t lie. So while you might not see the 1 or 2 or 6 inches on your body, it can be incredibly motivating to see the inches lost written down on paper and also give you a sense of accomplishment when you add everything up!

Another thing you can do involves taking a field trip. The next time you’re in the grocery store, head to the dairy section. Have a look at a pound of butter. Picture one of those for every pound that you’ve lost – Quite a visual, isn’t it?

Or head over to the produce section and pick up a 10 pound bag of potatoes or the baking section to pick up a 25 lb bag of flour. Try finding an equivalent to your weight loss and carrying it around the store with you for awhile. It can be quite a wake up call when you feel the amount of weight you were carrying on your body.

Whether you’ve lost 10 lbs or 100 lbs, it is important to work towards accepting and acknowledging the changes in your body (as well as your behaviours). It may take some time to reconcile your body image (internal) with your current body (external) but it’s an incredibly important part of the process that you will continue to work out throughout your journey and maintenance. It’s very rewarding to see those changes and feel the difference that losing weight has made.

What has helped you to see the changes in your body as a result of losing weight or toning? Do you have an article of clothing or a picture that reminds you of how far you’ve come? What are some other ways that you remind yourself of your progress?

Never Say Never

I deleted my Myspace this week. I'm actually surprised that I've held on to it for so long! It's been months since I had logged on so I thought I might as well just delete it. Before I did away with the whole thing I read through my "blog" entries that I had written and had to laugh out loud. Here's my favourite (with my comments written in purple) from September 2006:

In this moment I'm pretty happy. Everything is going relatively well and I'm happy that it's fall and I love fall clothes, shoes, wearing good jackets and lululemon hoodies.(Still love my lulu hoodies...)

(Berlin - June 2006)

I've started a new show (On a Clear Day) and despite the crazy rehearsal schedule, I'm loving the show and my part in the show and everything to do with that.

If you're close with me you'll know that I've been a little weight-obsessed lately. It started just before I went away to Europe when I wasn't feeling the greatest about myself and considering that Europe was all about indulgence, I felt even worse when I returned.

I did a "detox" (I followed Dr. Joshi's Holistic Diet) with Mel when I came back which made me feel good for awhile but I wanted more results than that and I knew that I couldn't go on not eating wheat, gluten, dairy, sugar, caffeine, fruit, meat etc. forever. People do it, and they're very brave, but that just wouldn't suit my life or make me happy. (ahahahahahahahahahahahaha, boy how things have changed!)

I started weight watchers 5 weeks ago and so far Ive lost 4.4 lbs or something like that. I feel like 4.4 lbs is a great achievement and I'm really proud of myself. It's been tough at times and giving up my favourite indulgences has not been easy. But I totally want to do it to make a lifestyle change and feel better about myself on the outside and feel better on the inside. (yay for positive thoughts creeping in!)

Last night I had a bit of a meltdown after Weight Watchers. (I think I've told this story in my meetings) It was prompted by a lot of things (the fact that Ive been hungry for two days, my period is coming, I was up 0.8 lbs on the scale etc.) I had a good cry on Charles Street with Mel and just vented. There have been so many positive things about weight watchers but last night it was all about the negative ones - that all I wanted was cookies, that I was hungry, that I was constantly worrying about my weight and my eating, that I haven't been going to the gym very much, that I should be going to the gym more, that I don't have time to do anything, and most of all that I obsess over this whole thing a lot more than I ever did.

Today is a new day.

I'm really proud of my 4.4 lbs that I've lost and I really want to continue on that track. I think that as always, I've set very high expectations for myself and I want instant results - don't we all?? I want this and I want it right now. This very second. Not tomorrow, but today. But really I'm realizing that weight loss isn't going to be instant and it's definitely going to be a bumpy road. So for now I will celebrate my achievement thus far with some umm fat-free yogurt?

PS -- Thanks to Melly for the hugs and the pep talk and the encouragement, thanks to Ali for putting up with me not want to go out (love my girlfriends) and to Joey for his positive, encouraging and empowering talk the other night.

(awwww, we had only been dating for over a month and he was already so incredibly supportive of me <3)

Wow!

Have you ever gone back and re-read your diary from junior high or high school? That's how this feels for me. It's so strange for me to read, but it really shows how far I've come in the last three years.

Lessons Learned

• Attitude is everything. Even amongst the negative comments in my writing, I was still able to keep a positive attitude. I stuck with WW even though I had gained two weeks in a row (gasp!) and was able to focus on what was working and the fact that I had still lost weight over all.
  
• The term "detox" is overused and can be misused. I haven't re-read Dr Joshi's book, but what I did during that "detox" for 3 weeks was basically eat whole, real, unprocessed foods - what a concept!! At the time I thought it was intense, because my eating was HORRIBLE but in reality, I wasn't ready to change my eating so drastically. My beginnings in WW really helped me to focus on the foods I was eating and my portions which was a better fit for me at the time, which were baby steps to help me get where I am today.
  
• You need to be ready to change. I've said it once and I'm sure I'll say it again (and reading this passage really proves to me how right I am): If you had told that Ashley that she would be eating gluten, dairy, casein & refined sugar free all the time, she would have laughed in your face. Many things have changed since then (achieved weight loss goal, WW Leader, Crohn's) and I've learned a lot. I am so happy eating the way that I do now, but I know that I needed to get to where I am now in order to feel that way. The changes I was making in 2006 were baby steps to help me get to where I am now.
  
• Never say never. As we go through life, we change and grow as people - this is part of what makes each of us unique. While I'm still the same old Ashley (who loves life, dresses and the colour pink), I've changed a lot over the years and (for the most part I think) in ways that have been incredibly positive. In 2006 I never could have pictured myself where I am today - eating the way I do, being interested in the things I love, surrounded by the people I am so blessed to know.

I already look back at some of my older blog entries and see how far I've come. I can't judge myself for doing those things/eating that way/making the choices that I did - because I just wasn't ready/didn't want to change, nor did I possess the knowledge to do so which is perfectly okay!

You need to do what's best for you where you're at right now.

What's important is that you're doing what works for you to the best of your ability and learning from your previous experiences. That's it! Don't be afraid to laugh at yourself and really see just how far you've come. Heck, there was another blog with my recipe for jello shooters!!! (I refrained from posting that one because I felt there was less to learn from that one...) It was neat to look back and really helped me to see how much I've learned, and how much I've changed in three years.

What can you learn from a "past you"? Is there anything in life that you wish you would have figured out sooner?

All you need is love (or lunges depending on how you feel)

I am so proud of all the activity that I did this month!!

(Isn't Joey's little note super cute?!?)

My activity chart has 23 stickers which includes:

• 5 bellydance classes
• 1 2 hour bellydance workshop
• 1 bellydance recital
• 7 Booty Camp sessions
• 2 At home Booty Camp workouts
  
• A 5k walk

I am so proud!! So not only is my chart nice and full of stickers, but I'm super proud to post my 4 week progress measurements for Booty Camp!

Upper Arm (rt): 11 | 11 | No change
Upper Arm (lt): 11 | 11 | No change
Chest: 33 | 33.5 | +0.5 (Not complaining)
Waist: 27.5 | 27 | -0.5
Hips: 32.5 | 32 | -0.5
Butt: 36 | 36 | No change
Upper thigh (lf): 21 | 20 | -1
Upper thigh (rt): 21 | 20 | -1

Total Inches: 193 | 190.5 | -2.5
Body fat: 27% | 24.5% | -2.5%

How exciting!!! It's so great to be seeing this kind of progress!! Even more so when you check out my pictures...

Before:I am happy with my body here, but there are some areas that were in need of a little toning and love.

After 4 weeks:
I'm feeling awesome here!! Not only can I see a difference in my chest/shoulders, tummy, legs and butt, but I feel amazing and strong! All of the lunges, squats, push ups, and planks have definitely been making a difference and I'm really proud of my progress. I can't wait to see the end result at the end of July!!

I also wanted to showcase some of the accomplishments of some of my readers. Check out their June activity charts!

Nikki is a huge fan of the activity chart. It helped to kick her butt a few months ago and she hasn't looked back!! I love that she's added a picture of herself in a bikini for an extra little motivator.

Jocelyn really embraced activity this month! She said she worked out more this month than she ever has and was also able to try out some new things! She has developed a love of yoga and can now jog for 5 minutes without stopping. Awesome!!

Lindsay does something really cool with her activity chart. Rather than print off a big one and stick it on her fridge (like me), or post it electronically on her blog (like Nikki & Jocelyn) she prints a baby copy and puts it in her 3 month tracker!! I love that it's right there for her to see and access - what an amazing motivator!! Lindsay kicked some serious butt this month with lots of stickers which included rock climbing, zumba, bellydancing and thousands of steps on her pedometer.

Way to go gals!! You inspire me so much with your progress and I can't wait to see what everyone can get up to in July!! If you would like to be included next month, send me a picture/copy of your activity chart at the end of the month with a little blurb about what contributed to your stickers.

Keep up the amazing work!!!