Life As a Process of Self Discovery

There have been many things that have been keeping me from blogging lately…

Getting ready for the next instalment of the Ashleyx2 cabaret

Ash and I are thrilled to be putting on another cabaret and this time it’s in celebration of our birthdays! (Mine is this Friday – more on the “birth week” to come!)

Getting cast in a show for the 2011 Toronto Fringe

We had the first read through last night and I’m excited to be a part of Fringe once again. The cast for Chicken Coop’s Cellar Hotel is really talented and the artistic team is bursting with passion and enthusiasm for the project. I love surrounding myself with creative people who love what they do as much as I do.

I’ve also found myself making my lunch more often… Raw Mexican inspired “rice” from Choosing Raw

Huge salads – some just created with whatever is in my fridge or inspired by great recipes, like the deconstructed sushi salad from Appetite for Reduction.

And why is this?
Well, I’m back in a 9-5 job.
Gah, I know.

It was a really tough decision, but it needed to be done. While my year and 3 months away from the office world was amazing, I just couldn’t continue to live the way I was living. I was becoming burnt out in my crazy all-over-the-place schedule, going broke, and as a result was unable to do all the things that I want to do. Going back to work 9-5 is allowing me the flexibility to travel; I’m finally going to get to NYC in the fall. Newfoundland, Montreal, somewhere hot and Europe are also on my must-go list in the next 12 months. It’s also allowing me to re-enrol in school, so I’ll probably be taking at least one more class before the summer is over.

There was part of me that struggled with going back to work because I felt like I was failing. I had decided that 9-5 wasn’t for me and that I was going to step outside the box and create my own schedule and do all the things that I love to do. I absolutely did that and loved it all. I had an amazing year in 2010 and if I could I would continue on that path… but it just wasn’t sustainable.

Working 9-5 still allows me the flexibility to do a lot of things that I love:

• perform – as seen by the 2 shows I mentioned at the beginning of this post. I’ll also be singing in another cabaret on May 1st as well as a corporate gig on May 3 and have aspirations to audition for everything and anything I can
• work for Weight Watchers – which I had to give up my daytime meetings (and I miss my members a lot!!) I still have my Wednesday and Saturday meetings… and to be honest it feels a lot less like work. Even one of my receptionists commented that I had a different energy in my meetings. While I always enjoyed my meetings, it’s back to feeling like that little thing that I do on the side and no longer feels like a job.
• go back to school – I can pay tuition again, so I’ll be finishing my designation in the evenings
• take care of me – my schedule was kind of erratic and stability means I generally eat lunch at the same time each day. I have time to hit the gym in the morning or after work

Last month I totally rocked on the activity front and I can’t wait to do it again in April. I’m working on feeling great and hitting the gym and eating well is a really important part of that. I’ve also been attending a weekly Weight Watchers meeting as a member. Yes, I know the topic and the leader and many of the things we’re discussing should be second nature, but it’s really true that people who attend Weight Watchers meetings lose 3 times more weight than people who go at it alone. It has become an important time for me to focus on where I want to be and spend time with some amazing and motivating friends. It’s also great to see Lindsay in action!

Looking for a job is a full-time job and I was just really lucky that there were some incredible opportunities out there that were a great fit for me and my skill set. (If you’re looking for a job, check out sites like Work in Culture, Media Job Search Canada and Charity Village for jobs you’re not going to find on the more traditional job search sites) I started looking and submitting my resume on February 24, was offered a job on March 11 and started on March 14!!

I’m back in an executive assistant role in a fantastic office downtown. The people in my office are awesome (especially the girls I sit with), I’m enjoying random lunch and tea dates with friends in offices nearby and I can’t wait to start riding my bike to the office in the summer.

I’ve been so much less stressed in the past few weeks, and the way everything fell into place, I realized that this is the right decision for me right now. I feel a lot happier and a lot more balanced than I have in a long time.

I’m also hoping that being in a more regular schedule is going to allow me to blog some more… because I know I’ve been neglecting this because I just haven’t had the time! Coming up in the month of April I’ll be posting about my birthday week festivities, the Ashleyx2 cabaret, and a sweet giveaway and product review that I’m really excited about!!

What are you excited about in April? How do you remain flexible and kind to yourself with changes that may occur in your life?

My March Love List

Things I’m loving right now…

All things green (and not just because it’s St. Patty’s Day)

Including green juice and E3Live every dayI’m seriously feeling unstoppable as a result of the combination of these two things every day. E3Live is “100% Aphanizomenon flos-aquae blue-green algae (AFA for short) that is an all-organic wild-harvested aqua-botanical considered by renowned health authorities to be nature's most beneficial superfood.

Physiologically, E3Live® helps restore overall body/mind balance in numerous ways. Its field of action simultaneously includes the immune, endocrine, nervous, gastro-intestinal and cardio-vascular systems.

Nutritionally, E3Live® provides 64 easily absorbed vitamins, minerals and enzymes and has more biologically active chlorophyll than any known food. It is the most nutrient dense food known to mankind.”

Dan Mangan

Next to Adele and Jessie J, he’s the one thing I can’t stop listening to in my room and on my ipod. He’s amazing and I NEED to see him live ASAP.

Raw FoodSo sexy green juice isn’t the only thing that has stuck around since reading Crazy Sexy Diet… I’ve been eating a lot of raw food and feeling amazing. Lots of big salads, greens, sprouts and other goodness. I’m just listening to my body and working on doing what is best for it in this moment.

Great Fiction

I read a lot of non-fiction (especially in the form of cookbooks and other books related to health and wellness) so it’s a treat to read really great fiction. I recently finished Into the Forest by Jean Hegland and The Gargoyle by Andrew Davidson. Both were brilliant in very different ways.

Only Kale Can Save Us Now Shirt

Um, I kinda need this shirt from Herbivore Clothing. My birthday is just around the corner…

What are you loving right now?

Best Thing To Do On A Rainy Day In Toronto?

Meet up with a sweet group of gluten free and/or veg bloggers of course!

On Saturday I had the pleasure of hanging out with Ricki from Diets, Desserts and Dogs, Maggie from She Let Them Eat Cake, Kristen from Peace Love and Muesli and Lisa from Vegan Culinary Crusade along with Kristen’s sister and a blog reader named Amy. I had met Ricki and Lisa really briefly the Vegetarian Food Fair (either last year or the year before) and despite having mutual friends, paths that cross and frequent interactions on Twitter, we had never had much of a chance to actually connect.

The venue was Fressen and boy was it ever a rainy day! I have only been to Fressen once before and I was wondering if it was going to wow me more than it did the last time around. We arrived at the restaurant a wee bit soggy and dishevelled thanks to the rain, but spirits were still running high! We realized quickly that they were only serving their brunch menu, which meant a few more limited options that usual. On the griddle side of the menu there was only one option that was gluten free (the corn fritters) and it didn’t really excite me, so I opted for the tapas option. Given the rain I decided to go with the sweet potato/coconut/ginger soup and the jicama and mango salad.

While we waited for our food, Ricki bestowed us with gifts:Homemade walnut cacao nib butter! Wow, was it ever delicious. Ricki even made me believe that maybe I need to give stevia a fair chance…

I had an awesome time engaging in conversation with the girls while we waited for our food. Topics ranged from other veg restaurants in Toronto, choosing whole foods over processed gluten free products, cookbook controversy and of course the blogging and Twitter world. I loved hearing more about Lisa’s adventures at the 105 Degrees Academy after drooling over the pictures of her dishes over the last few weeks. I also had a really lovely chat with Maggie about the death of a parent since she had read my last post. The blogging community is always so supportive and sweet and I was delighted by the easy flow of conversation like we had known one another for longer than reality would admit.

We waited awhile for our food, and after a bit of organization, everyone received their dishes. Soup and salad for meand a variety of salads and other tapas for the girlsI apparently scored the last of the jicama and mango salad, which was quite refreshing. The soup was good, although coconut was really the dominant flavour and I wondered just how much coconut milk had been used in the soups’ creation. Everyone enjoyed their tapas and variety in the dishes, but after waiting awhile for our food, a lack of gluten free options (including no gluten free bread for dipping the various tapas spreads in) and being hit with a 17% built-in gratuity on our bill that they were unable to split, we mused that perhaps next time we would go somewhere else for a meet up.

After we parted ways, Lisa and I wandered into Kensington Market as she was on a mission for some Canadian gluten free products for a blogger exchange and I wanted to pick up a few things. I ended up with a giant bush of sunflower sprouts and Lisa found some yummy goodies from Sweets from the Earth, Live and other local establishments with gluten free goodies.

I couldn’t have asked for a better way to spend a rainy Saturday afternoon in March. It is amazing to be surrounded by passionate, like-minded women who share common interests and a love for great food! I’m happy to have made some new friends and have been enjoying every bite of Ricki’s walnut butter. I can’t wait to do it again!

Have you ever attended a blogger meet up? How was your rainy Saturday?

A Motherless Daughter: 13 Years Later

From the day I was born, until her death on February 24, 1998, my mum was there with me every step of the way. When my parents split up when I was 5, she and I moved to Belleville Ontario for a year. She worked hard to provide for me and I loved the time we spent together. As a result, we were even closer when my parents reunited and we moved back to Toronto. In the years that followed, I told her everything and our relationship blossomed. She was always there cheering me on at dance recitals, public speaking competitions, musicals, Brownie/Girl Guide events, school concerts and anything else that I was involved in. She and my dad worked hard to ensure that I was able to take advantage of every opportunity and she always encouraged me to follow my dreams.

When I was in the 7th grade, I suffered a concussion. We were doing low impact aerobics in gym class and for whatever reason, I fainted and hit my head pretty hard on the gym floor. My principal drove me home and I recall my mum tending to me and being pretty freaked out by the whole thing. She let me nap and woke me up every half hour or so to make sure I was ok. The 3rd or 4th time she woke me up, I couldn’t talk. An ambulance was called and I spent the night at Sick Kids. I remember her telling me later how scared she had been and worried she had been to lose me.

I lost her a little more than a year later.

In the 13 years that she’s been gone, there have been so many moments where I just wanted to be able to call her, ask her for advice or just have a hug. There have been countless times when I just wanted her to be there, like when I graduated from high school and musical theatre school, landed my first leading role, got engaged or subsequently broke up. While I have surrounded myself with amazing role models and wonderful friends and family, it’s never been the same as having my mum around to rely on.

In the fall I realized that I was still feeling this void around the time of mine and Ashley’s cabaret. Ashley and I both landed auditions for the Shaw Festival. It was really exciting and we both felt great walking out of the audition room. We were having lunch later that afternoon, recounting our experiences and getting excited about the cabaret. Ashley’s mom called and she spent the next couple minutes sharing the details of her day. Somewhere in the midst of that phone conversation, I started to feel really sad. I became very quiet and withdrawn and was doing everything I could to hold back the tears that had welled up.

I would have given anything to get that phone call from my mom.

When she got off the phone, Ashley asked what was wrong and the tears started to stream down my face as I tried to explain how I was feeling. It seemed selfish and weird, but I couldn’t help it; I missed my mum so much in that moment and desperately wanted her to call me and share in the joy of my audition and get excited about the cabaret. While surprised that I was still feeling her absence so intensely, I realized that those feelings will never go away and that there will be times in the years to come where I’ll just want my mum to be there.

When I land my next big stage role.
When I’ve had a bad day.
When I need to make a big decision.
When I want to talk about ‘girl stuff’.
When I get married.
When I become a mother.

Any time something exciting/sad/happy/extraordinary/mundane happens, I know I’ll wish she was around to share it with me. I’ve never felt angry at her for taking her own life, but at times I can’t help but feel that she’s missed so many more things in the years that have followed her death. Depression is an incredibly scary illness and it makes me sad to know that she couldn’t see beyond the feelings of sadness, loneliness and isolation to hold out for a few more years to follow my life into adulthood. She had countless people who loved and cared for her and so many things to live for, but her mental illness cast a dark shadow over those facts.

It would be easy to wallow in sadness over all that we both missed out on as a result of her premature death, but wallowing isn’t really my style. Her suicide has been hard to understand and challenging to accept, but I’ve never truly felt angry at her because in her 13 years on earth, my mum taught me a lot. My mum taught me about compassion and how to be a great listener. She taught me about unconditional love. She taught me to laugh loudly. She taught me to be tough and stick up for myself.

And her death taught me more about myself than anything else so far.

I know that I am who I am because of her and the moments we spent together. For the rest of my life, February 24 will come and go and I’ll be reminded of the beautiful woman that she was. I miss her every day and whenever I think of her, I’m thankful for the 13 years of my life I had with her and everything that she taught me.

Rah Rah for Raw and the Crazy Sexy Diet

I love love love love LOVE this book

I’ve been a big fan of Kris Carr for a long time and the Crazy Sexy Life forums are an awesome place to be, so when I read about her latest book, I knew I wanted to get it.

February is usually a rough month for me, so rather than feel sad (especially since my show was ending too!), I decided it would be an amazing opportunity for some “Ashley time”. I read through the book, as well as Meghan’s 21 Days to Complete Health tutorial and with guidance from both was excited to start the 21 Day Adventure cleanse as documented in Crazy Sexy Diet. Every morning I start the day with a tall glass of water with lemon and cayenne followed by a huge glass of green juiceIt’s very green…

But oh-so-delicious! I feel so energetic after my green juice (which is a combination of celery, romaine, kale, cucumber, ginger and pear)

Meals include lots of (mostly) raw goodness…

huge salads (spinach, carrot, beet, broccoli with steamed tempeh & hemp seeds)

raw soups (spinach, lime & avocado)

zucchini noodle goodness (I’m not lucky enough to have a spiralizer (yet!) , but Gena’s raw peanut noodles were awesome!! I used one of the attachments on our food processor to slice the zucchini thin, but you could use a vegetable peeler too. Topped with a bit of tempeh & sesame seeds, it was a super yummy meal!)

and trips to yummy raw restaurants

Nicole and I went to Rawlicious last week where I had the rawitch and she had the taco wrap. Both were fantastic!! I opted to have a macaroon for dessert and it was the perfect end to our meal.

Between all the incredible food I’m eating (80-90% raw), the juicing, the dry brushing, meditation, physical activity and daily affirmations, I’m feeling absolutely stellar. Today is Day 11 and we were encouraged to write a love list of 10 things we love. “Love makes us radiant. Notice the love and invite it to tea”. Here goes…

Waking up minutes (even seconds) before the alarm goes off
Wearing flowers in my hair, no matter the season
Anything pink
Eating lunch in the sunroom
Finding the perfect quote to end my meetings
Walking into my room and seeing gorgeous flowers

Getting mail that isn’t a bill or paystub
Finding amazing new songs to sing
Scoring the comfy couches on tea dates with friends
Snuggling
Laughing til it hurts

Okay, so that’s 11… but I’ve never claimed that playing by the rules or math were strengths of mine. I’m invigorated and excited for the rest of the 21 days, although I feel like much of it may just be incorporated into everyday life going forward. Ah-mazing.

What’s on your love list? How do you push past the February blahs?