What If Everything You Knew About Yourself Was Changing?

On Sunday I sat down to write this post and this is what started flowing…

After last week’s post on weight maintenance and a particularly emotional meeting on Saturday morning I did a lot of thinking and I’ve come to the conclusion that I think I’ve been having a bit of an identity crisis lately.

It was my Saturday members who really inspired this discovery. We were talking about the concept of “identity” with regards to weight loss. Losing weight is about so much more than just eating right and exercising; There is a whole frame of mind and many changes in behaviours, habits and beliefs that need to occur in order for a person to lose weight and keep it off. A big fear that we talked about on Saturday is will I be able to keep the weight off and/or sustain this lifestyle. I also think fears of the unknown and also the fear of success can be debilitating for people as they go through this process; Seeing yourself as a new person who eats a different way, behaves in a new way and participates in new activities with different people is unchartered territory for many.

It has been so exciting for me to make so many changes in my life of late, and the catalyst for all of them was my decision to lose weight back in 2006. I have nothing but positive things to say about the things in my life right now: friends, school, work, house, performing and life in general; but on the flip side of this, I’ve really created a whole new me and I’m still discovering who that person is. As a result I think I’ve been feeling a…

And that’s where it ended. I wanted to talk about this concept of “identity” and who I am, but didn’t know where I was going and what sort of self exploration needed to happen, so I just left it and figured that I would continue to write on Monday.

I was thinking about the post on my way home from school yesterday as I was walking through Withrow Park. It was a glorious sunny day and I suddenly had the urge to sit myself down on a swing and read A Thousand Names for Joy, which was stashed away in my bag.

So I did. It had been awhile since I had read it and I knew I was close to the end, but once I opened the page to where the bookmark was resting, everything became clear.

Page 232: If you want to know me, look inside your heart.

Page 234-235: Grace means understanding that where you are is where you always wanted to be. It means losing that arm and noticing what remains, in full appreciation and gratitude, and seeing at the same time how much better off your life is without the arm, and all the benefits that this new way brings. It’s the realization that where you are and what you are and what everything is and how it is, in every moment is your heart’s desire, fulfilled beyond what you ever could have imagined.

Page 245: Eventually there is no fear. You come to feel total acceptance: “I am this, for now.” And it’s all okay.

Page 258: Failure is an opportunity. It is impossible to fail at anything. Your success just may not look the way you thought it would.

While failure hasn’t been on my mind of late per say, I think the fear of success and the unknown have been factors for me. It has also been a challenge to settle into this new life and just be me without worrying about who that is and that it’s all okay. Everything has changed completely for me lately and in many ways I’m starting off fresh. Life is (still) sweet and I’m just going to bask in that glory as I explore what is, take it day by day and just be myself in this beautiful reality I have created.

I want you too to find that peace; To go within yourself and feel great about the person you are today, the changes/steps you have taken and that recognize that it’s okay to be you.

The quote from my meetings last week really resonated with my members and I promised that I would post it:

Watch your thoughts for they become words
Watch your words for they become actions
Watch your actions for they become habits
Watch your habits for they become character
Watch your character for it becomes your destiny

I love this, not only because of its eloquence, but because it has proved to be absolute truth in my life.

Amazing.

Think an Amazing Thought

Last night at my belly dancing class I couldn’t get out of my own head:

“Idon’tknowwhatI’mdoing.I’vebeenawayandIhaven’thadanytimetopractice.HowthehelldoIdothefastundulationwithareverserightafterPeoplearegoingtolookatmeandthinkthatI’mnotasgoodastherestofmyclass.Idon’tfeelconfidentinwhatI’mdoingshimmyshimmyshimmyfigure8whatthehellcomesnext?Ohmygodthisisgoingtosuck”

Um. Yea.

Friday is our belly dance recital and our class is perfoming. I knew going into Annie that I was going to miss 2 rehearsals, because our class falls on Wednesday, which is typically a show night. Then I had to miss a third one because I was stuck at work until 6:30, when my class started a 6:00 the week before Annie started – bummer.
Last Tuesday my beautiful friend Krystle came over and practiced with me for over an hour. She showed me the ending of our routine and gave me the music so I could listen to it and practice before our class this week. I got bogged down with Annie and was unable to practice due to various commitments, so the first time I was really able to think about the choreography again was last night at 5:20 on the streetcar on my way to class. Around 5:35, I called Joey, nearly in tears because I had convinced myself that I shouldn’t do the recital because I didn’t know the choreography, wasn’t prepared and was going to look terrible.

Isn’t it amazing what we can convince ourselves of?

I’ve been reading Byron Katie’s A Thousand Names for Joy lately, and she talks a lot about this concept of getting so caught up in believing our thoughts, that we create stress for ourselves.

Last night I convinced myself that I would fail, even before the class began. By believing that I wasn’t capable or confident, I set myself up for failure. Does this ever happen to you in life?

For over an hour in class we ran the choreography repeatedly. Our teacher gave us some helpful feedback (mostly on poise and ensuring that we were smiling), but allowed us to run it over and over again. In the midst of our rehearsal she told us about one of her teachers. The teacher constantly reminded her students to always be amazed at what they were able to do: an undulation, shimmy, or even a simple hand gesture. By projecting this sense of wonder and amazement, the teacher advised her students that the audience would feel the same sense of amazement – almost like telepathy – and be truly captivated by the performance.

Thinking the thought “I don’t know the choreography” made me believe that I didn’t know the choreography, regardless of the fact that I had learned 90% of the choreography in class and had been able to practice it with everyone for a few weeks. There was nothing to be amazed at. It threw me off my game and caused me a lot of stress and tears. Without the thought, I am free to enjoy myself. I feel more confident. I smile more and I dance better.

This idea of amazement rings true in all aspects of our lives, not just dance or performance. We cause ourselves stress when we start to believe our negative thoughts (or project the negative thoughts of others). We could accomplish so much more if we just stopped believing our own thoughts and let ourselves be free and amazed, and that is exactly what I intend to do.

This week I will be amazing. Tonight I will drill the choreography in anticipation of Friday’s recital. I will be proud of how far I’ve come; 18 months ago, I couldn’t shimmy, let alone walk and shimmy at the same time. Belly dance is the first type of dance that I’ve ever really felt good at, and on Friday I will share that with my audience. Because of my new schedule in January, I probably won’t be able to take class again until the spring, so I will enjoy every minutes of this performance with my beautiful classmates and teacher.

I will smile and I will be amazed.

What negative thought will you rid yourself of today?
How do you feel without that thought?
What amazing thought will you have instead?