Awful Sweet, to be a Little Butterfly

The statistics say that 1 in 5 Canadians will deal with a mental health concern in their lifetime. The other 4 out of 5 will know someone with mental illness. While it may not be something we deal with directly, we will most certainly encounter at least one person in our lifetime who has a mental health concern. I appreciate Lacey sharing the story of her friend, Nel for the Life is Sweet series.

When I was eighteen years old I moved into my dorm at university and met the quiet and pretty girl that lived across the hall from me.
 

Her name was Nel.

Well, her name was actually "Ellen" but everyone called her Nel.

She was nice and also into theatre. Her study music was showtunes. 

She would post pictures and quotes on her dorm room door. It's been ten years, but I still remember two of them because they resonated with me. One said: "If you are not enraged, you are not paying attention!" and the other said: "I want to live in a world where schools are fully funded and the army needs to hold bake sales." I thought she possessed an unusually high level of social awareness for an eighteen year old. I followed her example.

Nel and I had acting class together. I thought she was brilliant. I felt like she could see colours no one else could. Like a butterfly.

During our time at school together, I learned that Nel was a talented writer. She was working on a manuscript and asked some of her friends to read it for the first time. The manuscript was a story about her time in an eating disorder treatment facility. Nel was good at conveying what it was like to have anorexia, and the difficult road to recovery. 

After school Nel went travelling. It was one of her favourite things to do. I followed her Facebook pictures closely, and since our time at university, we ran into each other at Hart House, Pride and here and there. Our text messages always consisted of plans to meet up that never came to fruition.

Despite this, mine and Nel's friendship was very active on Facebook. Nel posted statuses and memes about issues very close to my heart. It was also apparent that Nel was suffering from severe depression by this time, as she was very open about it online. She would post memes every other day that would attempt to describe what it was like to live with a mental illness. I admired her so much, she was so desperately trying to get people to understand. It is important for people to try and understand what living with depression is like. She was so brave to rail against the stigma. 

 And I thought Nel would win. I thought that she would go on to help end the stigma against mental illness and be a voice of strength for other people who were suffering. I thought for sure the darkness wouldn't take her.

This is why I was surprised, taken aback, devastated that on January 5th, 2015, Nel took her own life. I wasn't doing anything important that day. Just work and the gym. I would give everything I have to go back and be with her on that day. Beg her not to leave. Convince her that she had made enough of an impact in my life that if she was gone, I would care. Oh God, I would care.  

This threw into sharp contrast just how serious depressions is. Like cancer, like heart disease, it takes people. It affects those suffering from it, and it affects those around the people who suffer from it.

This is my hope for the future, that these facts become widely acknowledged. That depression is a real illness, that is can be life threatening, and that doesn't only affect those suffering from it, but the friends, families, coworkers, lovers of those who suffer from it as well.

Now Nel is no longer here to keep fighting. So I will. For her. 

I'll start by going here:

http://suicideprevention.ca/

http://twloha.com/

--

Lacey is a freelance Stage Manager who studied at York University. She enjoys biking, singing and playing guitar. Coffee and wine are her favourite potions and poisons.

The Other Side of the Story

Welcome to the third annual Life is Sweet month on Dancing Through Life. Over the month of February, I'll be sharing posts from a variety of guests who have offered to share their stories of mental health, mental illness, suicide and loss. The last 2 years of posts have provided an outlet for people to share their stories and continue the conversation about mental health. You can read the posts from previous years, here and here. 

I hope that you're visit the blog this month to read the stories of my guest bloggers and continue to open up the dialogue about mental health by sharing their stories via social media with the hashtag, #lifeissweet. 

I had connected with Justin last year about contributing to the series, but my message was lost in Facebook's 'Other' inbox. I'm thankful that we were able to connect and appreciate that he was willing to share his story. 

=== WARNING: TRIGGER ALERT. ===

I don't like February. It's never been a favourite month of mine. The cold. The dreary weather. The constant grey.

While February has been dubbed "the dead of winter", the Center for Disease Control and Prevention and the National Center for Health Statistics have both reported that suicide rates in the United States are lowest during the winter months and highest in the summer and spring. Despite this, popular belief tends to promote the line of thinking that most suicides peak during the winter months. (Source)

I've been very public about my struggle with depression, and with the recent passing of well-known public figures such as Robin Williams and many others who have struggled with mental health issues, as well as the recent #BellLetsTalk day, this topic has only become more important to me.

However, there's a side of this story that I haven't shared publicly. A side people haven't heard before. It's the dark side of this story, one that deserves to be told.

To begin explaining this story is to go way back into time. All the way back to the beginning, some 30 years ago.

I grew up in a violent environment where fear and intimidation were omnipresent. Where the threat of violence was always around the corner - and in many instances, it appeared out of nowhere. An environment where the act of violence was carried out without understanding what the end result might be. The bruises, the blood and the inevitable tears were not the final outcomes.

Those final outcomes were a lack of self-esteem. A crippling lack of confidence. A loss of trust. The feeling that I would never be the same. That safety and security would always be elusive.

The feeling that I would never be worthy of being loved, that I would never be capable of loving something or someone else and that I would never be accepted were always there, lurking just below a blistered, bruised and battered surface.

But most of all, I was left with feelings of betrayal, confusion and anger. How could this happen to me? How could anyone willingly do this to another person, despite the obvious signs of fear, suffering and sadness?

I believed that I could never love myself and that I would forever be an empty shell of a person who couldn’t offer something to the world - someone who, despite their best efforts, would never be good enough.

For many years, I struggled with these feelings. I blamed myself. I began to believe that it was somehow my fault, that I had done something terrible to do deserve this. These feelings began to manifest themselves in some pretty terrible ways.

I began to shutdown. I started filing away the feelings and emotions, resolute in my desire to never let anyone see the side of me that had eroded at every aspect of my being.

On October 14th 2014, I came dangerously close to committing suicide.

To seriously consider suicide is the unlike any feeling I've ever had. It was a feeling of utter emptiness. I felt nothing except incredible disappointment, overwhelming sadness and that ending it all was the only way to make it go away.

I remember standing on the subway platform and thinking that jumping in front of the train would be easy, quick and painless. While I teetered on the edge of life and death, I began to think about all the things that could go wrong. Would I live and be horribly incapacitated? Who would see this happen? What would my family think? Would they understand? Would this make them understand that the gravity of my situation warranted such a decision?

I saw their faces, their disappointment, and realized the finality of it all. I broke down in tears and collapsed on the platform. The utter disappointment I felt was nothing what they would experience in the years to come as they would have to explain what happened, why I did it, and the hole it would leave in their lives.

I called a friend, and while I don't remember exactly what I said, I remember feeling as though I could never claw my way back to a sense of belonging. A sense of being needed. A sense of being loved and being wanted. A place where I'd be loved and cared for - and cared about.

What followed this were a few weeks of living in a robot-like trance where I felt nothing. I was tired most of the time, yet I couldn't sleep. I displayed no emotion, yet I cried numerous times a week. I couldn't think straight, yet my mind raced and was thinking a million different thoughts at once.

It came to a head in December, when I finally broke down and told someone what I was going through. This was the first time I openly cried and explained what had happened. I felt lost, and until then, it was as though I was wandering through a desolate place where there was no-one to talk to and nothing I could do to escape what I was feeling.

In short, I was an emotional wreck. Having that conversation, and the many that have followed since, have been both revelatory and exhausting.

Since then, I've learned a few things about how I deal with my mental health issues.

I've learned how to rewrite my history. For many years, I let the actions of an angry individual define my future, dictate who I am and determine what I'm capable of. I've come to realize that my past doesn't define who I am. Realizing this has been the most freeing moment of certainty I've had in quite some time.

The world is a gift shop. There are so many beautiful things to be seen, if only we open our eyes. I've made a conscientious choice to ignore the negatives, the things that affect my mood, the behaviours that have contributed to my feeling of frustration. Instead, I choose to see the positives in this world and focus on those things.

I am safe. I am loved. I have people who love and care for me. Realizing this seems easy to most, but I am not most people. For a long time, I certainly didn't feel like "most people". In some aspects, I still don't. But as the days go by, pieces of the old me disappear, and are replaced with understanding, awareness and a resolve to be mindful, be open, and be receptive.

Do I still harbor feelings of disappointment? Yes. Do I still have feelings of confusion? Sure. These feelings won’t disappear overnight, and I’m fairly certain I will probably always have these feelings, but through therapy, I've come to learn they're manageable. With a bit of work, I have developed a strategy for dealing with the triggers that have historically been associated with these feelings. Having a strategy to recognize the triggers and manage their outcomes has been at times difficult to learn, but one that was necessary in better understanding the effects mental health has on me and my behaviour.

I can't say my struggle with mental health is over. I think it will be with me for the rest of my life. But starting this month, and every month, I choose to be happy. I choose to be open, be receptive and mindful of the beautiful things this world has to offer.

I choose to not let my past define me. Instead, I choose to use my past as as a series of stepping stones along the path to doing great things.

I choose not to suffer alone. Because while it can feel as though we suffer alone, let me say this: You're not alone. I know that it feels that way sometime, but this couldn't be further from the truth. If you ever feel that way, I want you to remember these three very important words: You're not alone.

We can support each other. We can laugh together, cry together, and learn together. We're all in this together, and when we support one another - in the good times and the bad - we can come back into the light and see the world for how it really is: A beautiful place full of even more beautiful things.

All we need to do is open our eyes.

Justin Kozuch is a Toronto-based technology reporter covering startups, mobile and marketing. When not staring into his computer screen, he can be found exploring the Ontario backcountry, reading a book or enjoying a glass of scotch.

#BellLetsTalk and Life is Sweet 2015

I tried to write this post last night and this morning, but it just wasn't coming out right. I felt like I was standing on a soap box, but not saying enough or making enough of a difference with what I was trying to say. As a result of my mother's depression and death to suicide, this subject is so close to my heart. I don't know if this draft is any different, but let's try...

Today is Bell Let's Talk Day. It's a great initiative that donates $0.05 for every text sent by Bell customers today as well as every tweet, when folks use the #BellLetsTalk hashtag. The money will go towards supporting their four pillars including anti-stigma, care & access, workplace health and research. Which is really awesome.

And since its inception, it's been incredible to see people using this day to share their stories and speak candidly about mental health and mental illness.

But combating the stigma associated with mental illness isn't going to be resolved one day a year and some money being put towards a cause. It needs to be something we work towards erasing on a daily basis - in our regular lives, and be consistent with the support that we offer to those around us.

1 in 5 Canadians will be impacted by mental illness in their lifetimes and the other 4 will know someone impacted. In the news recently, there have been reports of first responders dying by suicide. 34 in the last 9 months. That's a scary number. Why aren't these workers getting the support they need in their demanding roles? And why isn't this getting more attention?

On Monday I was a special guest at Singular Sensation, an open mic night here in Toronto that is hosted by my friend, Jeni Walls. Jeni asked me to sing and share my story to coincide with Bell Let's Talk. I sang 'Mama Don't Cry' and Some Days, both which resonate with me and my story so deeply. I was thankful to be able to share my mom's story and talk about why it's important that we keep the conversation going the other 364 days a year.

Other people bravely shared their stories and experiences, and as people were talking a hush fell over the room unlike what I've seen the usual crowd at Statler's to be. People were listening. They were supportive. And the stories that were shared had real impact. It was incredible to hear all of these stories, but I couldn't help but think that we need more opportunities to do this. It shouldn't have to be a special day for people to feel comfortable to talk about their mental health and the struggles they may have had. While myself and many others in the room were thankful for the platform to share their experiences, the subject of mental illness somehow remains taboo in our society.

I think Bell Let's Talk is a great initiative and have been tweeting up a storm today, but want to see more change year round.

I want us to get to a place where the taboo is gone.

For the last three years I've hosted the Life is Sweet series on my blog in February. It's an opportunity for people to share their stories of mental illness, mental health, suicide and loss. Since my mom's death in 1998 (and after I finished junior high), I became very open about discussing mental illness, depression and suicide. They aren't off limits words in my vocabulary, and I've become very passionate about sharing my mom's story in hopes that it would help other people to realize they aren't alone.

For me, the Life is Sweet series is a small way that I can contribute to erasing the stigma around mental health.

I didn't learn about my mom's depression and previous suicide attempts until the day before she died. I don't know if anything would have changed if I had known earlier, but I wish that she had lived in a society where she felt comfortable talking about her own struggles.

The Life is Sweet series is for her and anyone else who has felt silenced in sharing their stories and their struggles.

As I said last year on Bell Let's Talk Day, we need to talk and talk and never be quiet.

Let this day be a catalyst to open up the conversation, but let's work to keep it going the rest of the year. 

Nutty Coconut Zucchini Noodles

I learned to cook by following recipes and essentially teaching myself. I'm working on being more confident in my culinary abilities and feeling more freedom to adapt recipes and create my own.

This recipe came out of a craving for zucchini noodles!! While I really enjoy zucchini noodles raw, I sometimes like to sauté them a little bit to change the texture and enjoy a warm dish (especially when it's really chilly outside!). If you don't have a spiralizer, you could use another type of cooked noodle or serve the veggies & tofu in the sauce over quinoa or just on their own. Feel free to use whatever vegetables you have on hand when making this dish.

Nutty Coconut Zucchini Noodles

Recipe adapted from Eat Good 4 Life
Makes 4 servings

1 large zucchini
2 tbsp. coconut oil, divided
1/2 block extra firm tofu, cubed
4 cloves of garlic, finely diced
1 red pepper, thinly sliced
1 broccoli crown, chopped into bite sized pieces
1 baby bok choy, chopped
2 cups snow peas
1/2 cup organic natural peanut or almond butter
1 can coconut milk
2 tbsp. gluten free tamari
1 tbsp. red curry paste
juice of 1 lime
1 green onion, chopped
1/4 cup cashews, chopped

Spiralize your zucchini and set aside.

Add 1/2 tbsp. coconut oil to a small pan. Add tofu and a splash of tamari and sauté until tofu is browned on all sides. Set aside.

In a large pan, add 1 tbsp. coconut oil and garlic and sauté for 1-2 minutes until garlic is fragrant. Add red pepper, bok choy and broccoli and cook for 3-4 minutes until vegetables are softened. Add snow peas and cook for another minute.

While the veggies are sautéing, heat the remaining 1/2 tbsp of oil in a pan and sauté zucchini noodles for 2-3 minutes until softened. Set aside.

Add the nut butter, coconut milk, tamari, red curry paste and lime juice. Stir / whisk until sauce is combined and veggies are mixed in nicely. Add tofu and zucchini noodles, stirring well to make sure everything is well combined. Heat for another couple minutes and serve warm.

Serve with chopped green onion, cashews and a lime wedge.

NYC 2014: The Food

Seeing as I’m in Tampa this weekend, I thought it was a good time to detail all the amazing eats we had on our trip to NYC!

I may have mentioned this on the blog before, but I actually have a spreadsheet of vegan/vegetarian friendly restaurants in New York City. Whenever someone recommends a place to me or I see a ‘best of’ list, I add new options to the list. It’s also awesome to be able to share with folks when they ask me for recommendations in NYC. In my travels, I love to revisit my tried and true favourites, but also make an effort to dine at new places. On this trip we had great success with a bunch of new places that quickly skyrocketed to the top of my list (and Corbin’s too!)

Brunch

Brunch may easily be one of my favourite meals and I was looking forward to enjoying brunch at Friedman’s Lunch (in Chelsea Market) I ended up eating some of the best pancakes ever! They were fluffy, delicious and served with blueberries and maple syrup. I also loved that they served Harney tea. Corbin enjoyed the brunch special which included grits, bacon and some poached eggs. Our server was lovely and the atmosphere was stellar. They were extremely knowledgeable of gluten free and I was excited to be presented with so many options. Going to Friedman’s Lunch also gave us an excuse to hang out at Chelsea Market which is one of my favourite places in New York (though I was sad that Anthropologie was closed since we were there on Thanksgiving)

Champs is always a favourite when we’re in New York and it was actually our first stop as soon as we arrived! We were surprised to find they had a new location (on Meserole), but once we were there we were in vegan foodie heaven. I had the gluten free tofu benedict, which was absolutely delicious. It was the perfect cure to a morning of traveling and a bit of a hangry Ashley. Corbin had the Loaded Breakfast Burrito which was GINORMOUS and full of all sorts of goodness. We also ran into 2 friends during our brunch, proving that it IS a small world after all! 

The morning before we left we squeezed in a brunch at Sacred Chow, which I enjoyed. I had a delicious gluten free waffle topped with apples, cinnamon and coconut cream, while Corbin opted for a scrambled tofu bowl with tonnes of veggies and squash. It had also been on my list for awhile, so it was great to finally pay a visit and fuel up before a long day of traveling. 

Lunch

Between Black Friday shopping and watching Disenchanted, I needed to grab a quick lunch. I had seen a couple of different Organic Avenue locations throughout New York and decided to check it out. I was happy to find a number of soup, salad and wrap options along with a selection of fresh juices. Everything was labelled whether it was gluten free, vegan etc and the ingredients were also clearly listed. I chose the lunchbox salad collard wrap and kind of lost my mind at how delicious it was!! It was a chickpea salad with cashew ‘mayo’ and a lot of veggies inside a wonderfully fresh collard wrap. I wish we had Organic Avenue in Canada as this would be a stellar option to pick up on the go. 

On Thanksgiving we made reservations at Rockin’ Raw to enjoy a special lunch with our friend Sheryl! I had been to Rockin’ Raw once previously (during the hurricane) and remembered being impressed with their unique flavors and options. They had a special menu for Thanksgiving, so we all chose a few different options between the regular and holiday menus including cauliflower mash, ‘cheesy’ broccoli, pumpkin soup and a cheezy burrito. 

It’s no secret that I love dessert (especially raw ones) so I was delighted by the Thanksgiving options which included an incredible pecan pie. Holy wow, it was divine. Rich, creamy and perfect. The meal was an awesome way to celebrate American Thanksgiving and enjoy a lovely afternoon with Sheryl. 

Dinner

Because we saw a show almost every night we were in New York, our eating schedule got to be a little bit wonky. We ended up finding ourselves eating dinners after shows pretty late at night, but I think our dinners ended up being the best meals we had! 

First up was Otto’s Tacos in the East Village. These were serious tacos!! Otto’s Tacos has lots of options for meat eaters and a delicious mushroom taco for the vegetarian crowd. We grabbed a side of chips and guacamole and were blown away with the HUGE portion of guac along with a bag of chips. The tacos ranged from $3-$3.50 each and they were awesome. Such great flavours, freshly made tortillas and a seriously stellar meal for less than $20. They had a record listed for taco eating and Corbin was seriously considering going back and trying to beat it. Hah! 

Heading home after Pippin’ I was feeling hungry and was hoping to grab a falafel or something quick. We found a falafel place called Mamoun's thinking that it would just be an easy, inexpensive, tasty option. Little did we know that we were entering a well recognized falafel restaurant! I grabbed a falafel plate and Corbin enjoyed a shwarma and for less than $15 enjoyed an incredible meal. Their hummus was outstanding and the falafel was crispy and delicious. Corbin loved his shwarma and thought their hot sauce was awesome. I don’t have any pictures of this meal, but know that if you’re wondering on the east village late at night (or any time of day) looking for a great, cheap meal - this is the place!!

Last but not least, Pala. 

I’ve been telling everyone about Pala because it was hands down, the best gluten free pizza I’ve ever had and Corbin said it was the best (gluten-filled) pizza he’s even eaten. Pretty high praise, but worth every word. 

At Pala they take their topping choices very seriously and you’re unable to make substitutions. That being said, there are a lot of options for meat eaters, vegans and gluten free folks. I chose the Uvetta pizza with butternut squash, red onions, raisins, red pepper rosemary and daiya. After the first bite, I couldn’t stop RAVING about how delicious it was. The toppings were plentiful, but the crust was the real star. It was chewy, flavourful and had a BUBBLE. So many gluten free pizzas have the texture of cardboard or bricks and this pizza was light and airy while still having an amazing texture. I can't remember which one Corbin had, but he has said that it was the best pizza he's ever eaten. The service was outstanding (even though they were close to closing) and I can’t wait to go back!! 

Honourable mentions go to the treats we enjoyed at Babycakes, the goodies and fresh juice we picked up at a local market to enjoy for breakfast on a couple of days and the warming lunch we had at Peacefood Cafe before we made the drive to the hockey game. If I wasn’t hungry before, I sure am now after recounting all of the incredible food that we enjoyed on our trip!

Do you have any favourite places to eat in New York City? I’d love to add them to my list!!