Something Sweet From Nothing

One of the reasons I initially started the Life is Sweet series in 2013, was to give me something to be excited for in February. It's such a bleak time of year, and the project gave me something positive to look forward to. Thank you to Jess for being a part of this year's series and sharing her thoughts on how she manages to get through our tough winter months.

In the midst of a typical emotionally- and mentally-challenging January, I felt stuck for what to write in response to Ashley’s open call for friends interested in participating in her annual Life Is Sweet project. January tends to be a tough month for me, although nothing especially bad had happened last month (besides a long-running cold and an injury, which both interfered with my running!). Yet, I was feeling pretty down from a combination of stress, SAD, and what I perceived as a series of negative circumstances. So what to say?
Running is my usual head-clearing, heart-filling activity – I’ve seldom been able to clear my head and stop the nagging thoughts in my head in any other physical activity, like yoga, in the same way I can with running. However, I feel somewhat helpless to dig myself out when I can’t run due to injury, sickness, or long work hours. And after the relatively lackluster month of running I’d been having, it didn’t feel like the main thing I wanted to contribute here.

Perhaps coincidentally, given the name of this project, what’s always been able to give me a boost is baking. I had free reign of the oven by age 8. My parents have long said that if they came home from work and smelled something delicious, they knew I’d be in a good mood. But I didn’t always begin baking in a good mood. I struggled with anxiety and depressive symptoms from a young age (my parents even gave me a pre-teen self-help book called “Fighting Invisible Tigers.”). Although I didn’t think of it this way until years later, I had discovered baking as a way for me to change some incredibly negative emotions into something positive in a short period of time (albeit with consequences for my physical state!).

I can think of few activities that are as transformative for me as baking. You combine some basic ingredients that aren’t really that remarkable individually, and within about 30-60 minutes, you’ve produced something that smells and tastes good. Plus, you can share with others to bring them some small bit of joy as well. How awesome is that?

But the process itself, I think, is what’s most invaluable to me. I truly have to focus; if I miss a step, it may turn out inedible. I can’t really use my phone, or do any other concurrent activities besides listening to music (an integral part of my baking process, to the point that I used to include “listening notes” on my baking-focused Tumblr). I can’t be anxious while baking, or if I am, the process forces me to slow down, take one thing at a time, and get a handle on what I’m doing. It’s an idiosyncratic form of therapy, but it’s one that consistently calms me down.

For me, baking is similar to running insofar as I have to disconnect from others for awhile, but it feels slightly less selfish because the end result is something I can share. If I’m honest with myself, though, a great deal of my baking is utterly self-serving, because I just want to create. I need the focus that baking affords me. Making something from nothing gives me a total sense of control, at times when I may feel like I lack any control over my life.

Awful Sweet, to be a Little Butterfly

The statistics say that 1 in 5 Canadians will deal with a mental health concern in their lifetime. The other 4 out of 5 will know someone with mental illness. While it may not be something we deal with directly, we will most certainly encounter at least one person in our lifetime who has a mental health concern. I appreciate Lacey sharing the story of her friend, Nel for the Life is Sweet series.

When I was eighteen years old I moved into my dorm at university and met the quiet and pretty girl that lived across the hall from me.
 

Her name was Nel.

Well, her name was actually "Ellen" but everyone called her Nel.

She was nice and also into theatre. Her study music was showtunes. 

She would post pictures and quotes on her dorm room door. It's been ten years, but I still remember two of them because they resonated with me. One said: "If you are not enraged, you are not paying attention!" and the other said: "I want to live in a world where schools are fully funded and the army needs to hold bake sales." I thought she possessed an unusually high level of social awareness for an eighteen year old. I followed her example.

Nel and I had acting class together. I thought she was brilliant. I felt like she could see colours no one else could. Like a butterfly.

During our time at school together, I learned that Nel was a talented writer. She was working on a manuscript and asked some of her friends to read it for the first time. The manuscript was a story about her time in an eating disorder treatment facility. Nel was good at conveying what it was like to have anorexia, and the difficult road to recovery. 

After school Nel went travelling. It was one of her favourite things to do. I followed her Facebook pictures closely, and since our time at university, we ran into each other at Hart House, Pride and here and there. Our text messages always consisted of plans to meet up that never came to fruition.

Despite this, mine and Nel's friendship was very active on Facebook. Nel posted statuses and memes about issues very close to my heart. It was also apparent that Nel was suffering from severe depression by this time, as she was very open about it online. She would post memes every other day that would attempt to describe what it was like to live with a mental illness. I admired her so much, she was so desperately trying to get people to understand. It is important for people to try and understand what living with depression is like. She was so brave to rail against the stigma. 

 And I thought Nel would win. I thought that she would go on to help end the stigma against mental illness and be a voice of strength for other people who were suffering. I thought for sure the darkness wouldn't take her.

This is why I was surprised, taken aback, devastated that on January 5th, 2015, Nel took her own life. I wasn't doing anything important that day. Just work and the gym. I would give everything I have to go back and be with her on that day. Beg her not to leave. Convince her that she had made enough of an impact in my life that if she was gone, I would care. Oh God, I would care.  

This threw into sharp contrast just how serious depressions is. Like cancer, like heart disease, it takes people. It affects those suffering from it, and it affects those around the people who suffer from it.

This is my hope for the future, that these facts become widely acknowledged. That depression is a real illness, that is can be life threatening, and that doesn't only affect those suffering from it, but the friends, families, coworkers, lovers of those who suffer from it as well.

Now Nel is no longer here to keep fighting. So I will. For her. 

I'll start by going here:

http://suicideprevention.ca/

http://twloha.com/

--

Lacey is a freelance Stage Manager who studied at York University. She enjoys biking, singing and playing guitar. Coffee and wine are her favourite potions and poisons.

Life is Sweet - Let's Keep Talking

Wow - another great month of the Life is Sweet series. Thank you to everyone who contributed posts, read, commented, shared and attended the show this month. It was truly amazing to see the conversation that ensued and the candor and bravery of my guest bloggers who opened up to share their stories and perspectives.

While a month of dialogue is really great, I think it's just as important that we keep the conversation going 365 days a year. Mental illness is something that many of us are faced with everyday but unfortunately the negative stigma and lack of understanding is not going away. By continuing to talk and share and gain understanding from one another, we can work towards establishing a new dynamic in our society with a greater emphasis on listening, empathy and patience.

Here are some neat things from the internet that I found / were sent to me whilst curating Life is Sweet that are doing a great job at continuing the conversation:

Everything But the Cat


Adrianna's (not-so) one woman show, Everything but the Cat, about suicide and bereavement is getting ready for its 2014 tour. The show is an incredible way to open up the dialogue to teens and openly address bereavement and suicide with a younger audience. Adrianna is doing really great things with this show and I think it's inspiring that she has been able to express her feelings about her brother's death and help others gain understanding through this show.

The Crazy Project

Corbin sent me the tumblr for The Crazy Project last week. It describes itself as "a photo project dedicated to reducing stigma about mental health". I love that they're sharing stories from a wide range of perspectives and that their mandate aims to reduce the negative stigma.

Hyperbole and a Half

I've read this post "Depression Part Two" multiple times, but it doesn't lose impact. It really provides a poignant and concise view of what depression feels like.

Other helpful links

Hope Inside Live - We are More is a one day live stream event beginning at 9am on March 22 dedicated to changing the conversation around mental health and sexual assault

Fact Sheets about mental illness - in more than 10 languages

I haven't decided just yet what is in store for the Life is Sweet Project and series. I'm thinking about hosting guest posts once or twice a month to continue the conversation and will obviously write about my own experiences from time to time. I'm proud to host two years of amazing content. You can read all the posts here:

2013
2014

Michael Landsberg posted a great tweet yesterday that said "Sharing sometimes is like a surprise party. You turn on the lights and you find out there's a room full of people who care #sicknotweak". As I said on Let's Talk Day - let's talk and talk and never be quiet. For my mom. For my bloggers. For everyone reading and experiencing something similar.We are not alone in this and there are so many people who care. Keep the conversation going. 

Let's Talk and Talk and Never be Quiet

Today is Bell Let's Talk day. It's been awesome to see people using #BellLetsTalk all day on Twitter, but more importantly people have been sharing their own stories and experience with mental illness. I love that Bell donates money to mental health initiatives each time the hashtag is used or when people text today, but in my opinion the conversation that it sparks provides an even greater value.

I was speaking with someone recently about The Life is Sweet Project and the upcoming blog series. She expressed that she still felt that she was not able to share her story because of the negative stigma that was associated with it. That in her job, she could not be viewed as "unstable" and that her own struggles with mental illness had cost her work in the past. With 1 in 5 Canadians being impacted by some sort of mental health concern in their lifetime, it blows me away that there is still such a negative stigma. While it's great that days like today get the conversation started, it's especially important that it continues every day.

I'm excited to help keep the conversation going this weekend when Life is Sweet month begins on my blog for the second year. I've received some incredible submissions and really look forward to the dialogue that follows. The show is less than two weeks away and I'm proud to be honoring my mom's memory by sharing our story and getting people talking. 

It doesn't end here. Let's keep talking and never be quiet. 

Everything the Life is Sweet project has taught me

I wasn't sure what to expect when I announced the Life is Sweet project. I knew that I was going to produce a show to honour my mom's life and put together a month of blog posts about people's experiences with mental illness and loss. I knew that I wanted to honour my mom's memory, get people talking about mental illness and share my perspective on life. I didn't realize how much more I (and those around me) would gain from the experience. Here are some things I've learned along the way:

I have learned that given the right opportunity, nearly anyone can share their story. I have been so moved by the candor, bravery and respect that has been shown on my blog this month. I have heard from many of the guest bloggers that writing their post has changed their life and that they were grateful for the opportunity. If you haven't already, take some time to go and read their posts and share their stories. I am so indebted to them for all of their honesty and love. As a result of the show and the blog, many others that I know as well as complete strangers have opened up to me and shared how mental illness and loss has impacted their lives.  Many have asked to write next year if I decide to do the blog project again.

Curating a month of blog posts about mental illness, mental health, death, grief and many other intense subjects requires you to be an editor, confidante, friend, cheerleader and therapist. It is fulfilling, demanding and oh-so worth it.

When your very first solo show sells out ten days before the event, you will cry at your desk and then run around skipping. And squeal. A lot. And probably cry some more.

Amid songs and stories about the life and suicide of your mom, you may still make people laugh and remind them of all the good in their lives. The experience will be surreal. Enjoy every second.

I have learned that 15 years after her death, I can feel closer to my mom than I have in many years. Family members have told me the same thing. This connection is beautiful and probably something I am most thankful for.

This project has taught me that even with the dreary skies, cold days and sad feelings, February can be an okay month. It's still not my favourite, but this project made me feel happier than I have in as many Februaries as I can remember.

I've learned that after a sold out show filled with a loving, kind, beautiful audience, you may come crashing down a bit and spend a weekend feeling all the emotions you would normally feel in a whole month. This won't be easy, but with the right support system, manageable.

I have learned that those of us dealing with mental health concerns are truly not alone and how important it is to be there for those who need the extra support. A huge number of people have reached out to tell me how this project has touched them and have agreed that it is something that we need to be talking about and focusing our energies upon. This isn't a one day effort or a month long effort - it needs to be happening year round. I have gained a whole new network of people who share this belief and trust that they will help to keep the conversation going and work towards erasing the negative stigma and helping those who need it.  #letstalk

I have been reminded what incredible friends and family and supporters I have in my life. Everyone's love, kindness and generosity has been wonderful. Thank you for all that you've done to help me bring this project into fruition.

Above all else, I have confirmed that life truly is sweet.

I never doubted this fact but the show and blog posts and the support I have received from my friends, family, bloggers, Facebook friends and twitter followers has been unbelievable.  I recently fell in love with the quote "there is so much beauty that you haven't seen yet. don't give up now" And that resonated so deeply.

Sometimes we are faced with more than we think we can handle.

Persevere.
Push through.
Ask for help.

You will get through it and come out stronger on the other side.

Life is sweet in spite of the challenges that come our way and I hope that this project has been a reminder of that for you too.

Removing the Stigma Surrounding Mental Health

A big component of this blog series and my show has been about working to eradicate the stigma around mental health. Even though 1 in 5 of us will have direct experience with mental illness in our lifetime, there is still a lot of negativity out that that just needs to go. On February 12, I saw more people discussing mental illness candidly than I ever had before and rather than save it for one day when donations are being made and a hashtag is created, the discussion needs to be ongoing. I'm really proud that the Life is Sweet series has opened up a dialogue and I truly want that to continue. 

I used to think that Twitter was silly, but it has connected me to some incredible people, like Joseph, who I wouldn't have met otherwise. He has been an awesome supporter of this project and I am so happy he got on board to write. 

For years (more years than any of us have been alive) there has been a stigma around mental illness that has prevented us from speaking openly about it. As a sad consequence, there has been an extreme lack of resources for those of us who need help, or perhaps even sadder those resources may exist but an awareness of where or how to find them does not.

We see extreme cases of what happen when help isn't readily available in such tragedies as the recent Newtown shooting, or virtually a host of other heart-wrenching examples. One thing I have learned in life, though, is that nothing is just good or bad... it's both. Every shadow has it's sunshine. All of the darkness that we see such as the many sad stories of untreated mental illness resulting in tragedy all carry a ray of sunshine. It's apparent to all that because of the recent Newtown tragedy that we are starting to speak more openly about mental illness. (Take, for example, the articles of "I am Adam Lanza's..." mother, psychiatrist, doctor that sprung up so quickly after the shootings in Connecticut.) We are making great strides in removing the stigma that holds so many of us back from finding the help we need. 

I am excited about any and all of these developments that shine light on these important issues, including the recent #BellLetsTalk initiative. But there is also much more that I believe needs to be done. And, I don't believe the solution is going to be found in talking about mental illness more. It's a good start, but there is a deeper stigma that needs to be removed. What we really need to do is remove the stigma around mental health.

It may sound too simple, but mental health is more important than mental illness. None of us fall into a box of mentally ill or mentally healthy. It's not an either/or proposition. Instead of looking at this issue of "check this box for mentally ill, or the other for mentally healthy" we would benefit far more by looking at our mental & emotional well being as a spectrum. 

We do this with health & fitness. Or, at the very least, we are starting to do so a lot more. We no longer just count on our doctor to tell us if we are "healthy" or "unhealthy." Most people realize that they could be healthier than they currently are, or they see that they are now in a better state of health than they were last year. We all acknowledge that eating more vegetables, and less donuts, will be good our bodies. As will trading in that diet coke for water, the deep fried French fries for a salad, or choosing to walk or bike to work instead of driving our car. Should we not begin to acknowledge the same for our mental wellness? Some things will strengthen it, others will weaken it. 

Now this isn't a discussion about whether doing or not doing something causes mental illness. If you think about physical wellness, nobody is so naive to say that having that one slice of sugar-frosted cake instead of some organic kale chips causes diabetes... BUT we are aware enough to know that it has an effect. We know that one is better for our health than the other. We are also aware that those who regularly opt for the kale chips instead of the cake are far healthier physically. In many ways it's the same for mental health. Mental illness is a complex issue, far beyond my full comprehension. What I do know, however, is that if we shift our thinking away from either/or this "caused it" or didn't to what supports or what doesn't, then we will see much more individual - and collective - progress. 

Sadly, we have stigmatized mental health in such a way that many positive things we can do for ourselves are stigmatized as well. Far too often I see the perception that those who work with a therapist, counselor or a coach are broken. Or the sentiment that support groups & group counseling are for the weak. "People only see therapists when they are broken enough to need help to even function in life" is a paradigm that seems to pervade much of the population, and it is holding us back. Big time.

Let's switch back to the physical health analogy for a second. People who work with personal trainers are rarely viewed as the lowest on the spectrum of physically fitness. In fact, it's quite the opposite. All the elite athletes work with trainers, or even a team of trainers, and get the best results. When an everyday person hires a personal trainer, they begin to get better results and see a much faster transformation. We often regard them as committed to their goals, motivated and see them as high performers. We admire them for their examples, and often aspire to the same. 

Why is it not the same for mental health? 

It should be, and it can be. We can make that shift happen. 

Improving our own mental wellness

Shifting from a "broken VS healthy" mindset to that a spectrum, allows us to enjoy a much higher quality of life. I'm reminded of a powerful formula that I remember learning as an athlete in high school. 

Performance = potential - resistance. 

This formula applies to athletics, physics, my career in marketing, and probably in many others. It also applies to mental health. 

In simple terms, our happiness in the present moment (potential) is equal to the hope we have in our future (potential), less the degree to which we let the past hold us back (resistance).

Happiness, being the aim & end of our existence, can be increased by improving the view we have of our future, and by eliminating the resistance created by a past we can't let go of. We can improve our view of the future through the standard path of personal development. Eliminating the resistance of the past is the realm of addressing childhood trauma, learning to embrace our shadows, forgiving others - and ourselves - of less than picture perfect memories.

Improving our collective mental wellness

We need to remove the judgment of others that becomes implicit with the paradigm of mentally ill or not. Instead of this us VS them mindset, a paradigm of a wellness spectrum becomes more of a "we" issue. We're all in this together, and our communities, and planet, all get better as any individual gets better.

This simplest way to do this is to ask the question "How are you?" and actually mean it. In North America, we use the phrase "how are you?" as a greeting, without expecting a real answer. This is obvious by the way we ask it while still walking past each other. How many times have we automatically answered "I'm good. You?" and just kept walking? Even when we are feeling depressed, neurotic, overwhelmed, etc, we often just say "Good, you?" because we know the asker doesn't really want to know. I knew a man who would get an honest answer out of anyone he asked, though, because of the simple reason that he'd stop, hold your hand and look you in the eyes as he asked, and then waited for a response. If you'd answer "good, you?" he'd say "How are you really?" and always provoke a thoughtful response.

Also, let's embrace the positive change of others. I recall the story of a woman who is a Well known speaker on the topic of self-acceptance. An overweight woman herself, she spoke of the power that comes from rejecting society's skewed notion of runway model beauty and learning to love ourselves exactly as we are. Her message was liberating others, especially those who didn't fit the mold of tall, skinny, magazine-cover "beautiful." When, however, she decided to start losing weight (after hearing her doctor report that recent test results showed that her health was in jeopardy) her followers began to criticize her for "selling out" and being inauthentic in her message. What she was really doing, was taking another step forward to improve her quality of life. Eliminating her earlier resistance of feeling inadequate for not being skinny was a powerful step in increasing her happiness and emotional well being. Improving her potential by becoming healthier was another powerful step. We often quote that "misery loves company" but we need to remember to celebrate when people make positive changes, even if those changes may leave us behind temporarily. Instead of holding ourselves and each other back, we need to exhibit attitudes of encouragement and shift to a mindset of "growth loves company" and help each other along on our journey.

So, tell me... How are you today, really?

Joseph Ranseth is an author, speaker and marketer who refuses to write a bio. He's one of my favourite people and I am grateful to call him a friend. Follow him on the Twitter and he'll tell you about having the #BestDayEver, well, every day. He runs a purpose-driven marketing company with an official launch just around the corner.