2016 Year in Review

At the end of last year's year in review, I concluded by saying that I wanted to blog more, but that is actually what I did the very least of. There have been so many times where blog post has been written in my planner on my to-do list, but it's always fallen to the very end. So I'll start by saying that in 2017, I am going to write more. Let's start there.

Oh, 2016.

I know that I'm not alone when I say that 2016 was a tough year. For me personally, it was a doozy and while there were lots of really great things that happened, I'm really looking forward to a fresh start tomorrow.

When I look back on everything individually, I'm happy to report that there were definitely some good things that it's been nice to reflect on as I've sat down to write this post.

Over the course of the year, I got to travel to Nashville and NYC again, and also experienced my very first cruise. All 3 trips were amazing for all different reasons.

The cruise was awesome to take a break, see my Beachbody friends and experience something entirely different. It was so much fun to explore, partake in all sorts of activities, workout at dawn with my favourite trainers, have awesome nights out and of course, meet Stan the dolphin.

Being in Nashville again was just as much fun as the first time around. The energy at Summit is always infectious and I continue to cherish time with my Beachbody family. I loved exploring new parts of the city, getting re-energized about this biz and generally nerding out over all things Beachbody related. I also stayed in the sweetest airbnb on my last night with the most lovely host! It was a really really wonderful trip.

And NYC was exactly what I needed. This second half of the year has been rough, and I decided that a trip on my own would be good for my soul. I saw 5 shows in 3 days, ate all sorts of delicious food, visited with friends and relished the energy of my favourite city. A full recap of that trip is coming in the new year.

I continued my fitness journey, completing a variety of programs that were all very different! With all of the challenges I was facing, I found myself in a place where I wasn't feeling great about my body in this last half. I recently completed my first round of an MMA style program that re-ignited my excitement and gave me some incredible results in 30 days. I'm kicking 2017 off with round two and I'm pretty stoked to jump back in!

My work life has been awesome, but hectic. At MT, we said goodbye to a cherished team member, welcomed two amazing additions to the team, launched a charity cookbook, ran the Culinary Nutrition Expert Program and oh-so-much more. I was recently promoted to Operations Director and I am really looking forward to the things we're going to do in 2017.

Additionally, I've continued to grow my biz as a health and fitness coach and I still absolutely love it. Our groups continue to grow each month and I am looking forward to diving into 2017 with our January group. I'm looking forward to continuing to grow our team, developing myself as a leader and helping even more people feel like their very best selves in the new year.

I also got to celebrate the marriage of my best friend (& adopted little sister) Jessie over the summer. It was a beautiful wedding and I felt so blessed to be a part of her special day.

Amid all of that, I found time to ride Cecily around the city, meet Tony Horton and Shaun T, visit with friends, see incredible shows, share a post on xoJane that sorta went viral, Fringe it up, read some amazing books, create delicious meals and even perform too (videos here, here and here)

And I got another tattoo.

this too shall pass (courtesy of Aaron at Speakeasy Tattoo)

This couldn't have come at a more perfect time and continued to serve as a reminder as the year went on.

Right around the time that I got the tattoo, we went through some scary health stuff with my dad and then 2 months later, my nan suddenly passed away. I kept looking down at my arm and tried to remind myself that things would keep moving forward and that this too would pass.

A hard summer turned into a tough fall and an even more difficult holiday season. Corbin and I went through a hard time this year. After defining what some of the issues were, we went to therapy together and really tried to be a team as we faced our problems. I'm writing this post from my nearly packed up bedroom with empty walls and a handful of hangers still in the closet. We broke up a week before Christmas and I'm getting ready to move into my own place on January 1st.

It's still very raw and very sad. Our relationship was incredibly special and I will have a lot of great memories - many of which have been captured on this blog. I have a lot of love for Corbin and all that we've shared. I've also learned a lot about myself and what I need throughout this process. I didn't think it would end up this way, but I feel confident that we're both going to come out on the other side even stronger as individuals. It's so so hard, but it's the right thing for us at this moment.

So now I'm here on the 31st, feeling very ready to turn the page and begin again.

I'll spend the day finishing up packing and preparing to move into my new place tomorrow. I'm going to be living on my own for the first time and it feels very liberating, whilst also being scary unknown territory for me. I've been spending more time than usual on Pinterest and I'm looking forward to creating a space I can thrive in. Tonight I'll be ringing in the new year with friends and tomorrow I'll start a fresh page in my gratitude journal as we load my belongings onto a truck and into my new apartment.

In the past I've picked a word that would be the theme for the coming year but I'm not exactly sure what that should be for 2017 just yet. I think I need to sit with it before I make a choice (I may have just signed up for this email series to help as well). I haven't set goals or intentions either, though perhaps I need to get clearer on that, especially if I aspire to blog more in 2017. On that topic, writing this post has been cathartic - take note, future Ashley!

I feel very lucky to have had an incredible group of friends to support me through all of this. I know that I wouldn't be standing without their love and support.

While 2016 has not been my favourite year, I hope that in time I can reflect on all of the good and the fun that also happened in a year filled with tragedy, sadness and anxiety. I also now have a permanent reminder of some sage wisdom, and can look down at my arm in case I need a reminder.

Here's to new beginnings. Happy New Year, friends xo

The Power of Being Happy

Two weeks ago I got together with some of my classmates from theatre school. We realized that it's been more than 10 years since we started theatre school, fresh faced and many of us directly from high school with hopes and dreams of being "triple threats". Theatre school was an intense journey of self discovery, growth, perseverance, bravery, resilience and of course acting, singing and dancing. Our original class of 52 dwindled down to 31 by the time we graduated in 2005.

In the 9 years since graduation my classmates have taken many different paths. Some have continued performing, finding their niche onstage or in film and television. Others acted for awhile immediately following school, but then decided to go back to school or found other things they were passionate about. People who once spent 12 hours a day living-breathing-sleeping musical theatre found new loves in yoga, political science, nursing and teaching.

The catalyst for our mini reunion was the news of the death of one of our former classmates, making our night together bittersweet. But together we celebrated her life, reconnected and reflected on all that has happened since our graduation many moons ago. Even with the time that has passed, everyone looked nearly the same and it was wonderful to hear about all that was happening in their lives whether it be stories of their relationships and families, exciting news of their debut EP, tales of working towards being a professional wrestler, travel stories and general life catch up.

I walked away from our night out feeling positive and recharged in spite of the initial sad reason for our gathering It was so nice to see these people I had once known so closely doing well on their various paths and I was struck by one common denominator: happiness.

Everyone's lives were bustling with things that they were excited about and the positive feelings among us were palpable. If you had asked all of us as brand new musical theatre school graduates where we thought we'd be nine years later, I don't think that any of us would have put us exactly where we are today, but that's perfectly okay. In living our lives since 2005 we've experienced a lot on individual paths bringing us to where we stand in 2014, doing things that make us happy. And that's pretty awesome.

There really is something to be said for the power of happiness and finding it in (perhaps unexpected) places.

A Beautiful Mess

The Life is Sweet series this year continues to amaze and inspire me. I love that given the parameters of a blog post for a series called Life is Sweet about mental health and loss, people can go in an infinite number of directions with what they choose to writer about and share. I'm so stoked to have Emily on the blog today with a whole lot of honesty. 

I'm here to tell you that it's okay to feel bad, and it's okay to be totally open about how bad you feel. Oh, and an early PS: I am one of those people who will always call it like it is.

I spent a lot of time and a few drafts thinking about what to write for this guest post: I could talk about my experiences with suicide and self-harm, I could talk about the science of happiness (I love brains and I love talking neuroscience), I could talk about the onset of my PTSD and anxiety after an abusive ex-boyfriend and getting wrongfully arrested for reporting him for domestic violence, I could talk at length about how pop culture treats mental illnesses and ply you with a bunch of quotes... in short, I am no stranger to unhappiness, or to being verbose.

After a somewhat upsetting recent experience, I decided it would be most important to do what I do best – call out something that's NOT working in our society, and once it's stripped naked for all to see, let's change it so that we can start to feel better in our own skin.

This is going to come in two (okay, maybe three) parts. First off, let's talk about what bullshit image crafting is, and why it's got to stop. I'm sure you know what I mean – those happy statuses from friends where all they ever talk about is how great their life is, how great their partner is, how great their job is... and don't even get me started on all the half-naked (or more!) photos out there, of people vying for attention and comments on how attractive they are.

When you're already down, or have put on an extra few pounds, or feel like you're unlovable and perpetually single – this kind of shit is poison for your eye sockets, heart, and brain. When you're alone on a Friday night in your pyjamas and can't stop crying, the last thing you need to see is how damned happy everyone else around you seems to be. It's so easy to believe that you're worthless or unlovable or just plain doomed when you can't seem to form the kind of friendships that you see documented on Facebook, or when people don't respond to your Tweets or texts but converse with everyone else. I have been there. Everyone has. Whether or not they have the balls to admit it is a different story.

The blunt truth is that the people who consistently indulge in image crafting are likely just as insecure and emotionally fragile as you are, no matter how well put together they may outwardly seem. Don't let their happy outward appearance fool you. Since you wouldn't knowingly eat poison, why do you let your eyes, brain, and heart consume it? The bigger blunt truth here is that you are NOT any less attractive, lovable, or worthy than these people who are indulging in their own form of insanity. Don't let yourself get sucked into a self-doubt spiral through unfair comparisons – your private rehearsals of existence versus their larger-than-life perpetual opening nights. Goddamn it, you are pretty and worthy of love. Yes, I mean YOU, who is reading this right now.

What's maybe worse than image crafters are the people who seem to think that you should only use social media to post happy thoughts. You know what? That's bullshit too. The people who want to judge you or bring you down for expressing all sides of yourself are, quite frankly, not worth your time or attention or loyalty or respect. More than once, I've been accused of being an over-sharer, or seeming “unprofessional”, or going against other people's “values” by posting personal things that were less than happy and shiny. To me, that just weeds out the people who don't understand me and my shoot-from-the-heart ways. If people are going to judge you for expressing yourself as a whole person, with varying moods and ideas and ALL THE FEELINGS – well, then it's like Marilyn Monroe said: “if you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best.”

If you express “I'm sad”, the people who respond with “how can I help?” are the ones who are worth their weight in gold. As a society, we are still told far too often to keep our emotions in check, to make sure we “appear to be socially acceptable, and don't you dare step a toe across that line or we'll de-friend you.” It's utterly ridiculous. We are not robots with a default setting of 'happy' wherein the broken models have their settings stuck elsewhere. As we evolve into organisms that interact more and more via the Internet and technology, rather than in person or via paper letters or telephone calls, the way we express ourselves needs to evolve as well.

I'm here to empower and reassure you that it's okay to be open about who you are: you beautiful, tangled, complex mess of a person. I know this because I'm a beautiful mess too. It's taken me a long time to realize it and to be able to advocate for myself, but I am the furthest thing from normal-brained, at the best of days. People will tell me “wow, you're so organized and busy”. I tend to laugh at these well-meaning but misguided folks who don't know firsthand about the sleepless nights I spend, the anxiety attacks when I can't deal with doing the stacks of laundry that seem to double when I'm not looking, or how I have spent more time than I care to admit at home in my pyjamas aimlessly surfing Facebook or playing Candy Crush instead of doing the work I should be doing.

Emotions are messy and complicated. At the core, we still have our lovely lizard brains controlling the show – the part of our brain who just wants to know if we can eat, have sexytimes with, or will have to fight new stimulus (or people) that come into our lives. Emotions are volatile; just like a bundle of explosives, sometimes they can't be contained. Don't be afraid to explode if you need to. The people who are your true friends will be there to help you put the pieces back together.

It's okay to be angry, and it's okay to be sad, just as much as it's okay to be happy. It's okay to talk about what's making you feel this way – even if you don't know exactly what or why – and it's okay to reach out for support when you need it. If you want to talk about what you're feeling, please please please always go for it. Post some sad song lyrics, send a friend a text, write a screaming status update in all capital letters. Whatever works best for you. Do it when you're happy AND do it when you're sad. Blog it, vlog it, scream your feelings from the rooftops. I wish more people would.

Never censor yourself for the benefit of other people. They don't know what's happening in your heart. And, if needed, you've always got an understanding ear and a big comforting hug here.

Love,

Your Sister of Perpetual “Oversharing” 

Emily Schooley is an accomplished creative professional who loves crossing genres and boundaries. She has been known to work as an actor and filmmaker, along with offering personal coaching and a handful of other talents through her biz that make her a bonafide Girl Friday. You can check out her offerings for YOU at http://laughingcat.ca and https://www.facebook.com/LaughingCatInc, or find her performance work at http://emilyschooley.com and https://www.facebook.com/EmilySchooley.