Everything the Life is Sweet project has taught me

I wasn't sure what to expect when I announced the Life is Sweet project. I knew that I was going to produce a show to honour my mom's life and put together a month of blog posts about people's experiences with mental illness and loss. I knew that I wanted to honour my mom's memory, get people talking about mental illness and share my perspective on life. I didn't realize how much more I (and those around me) would gain from the experience. Here are some things I've learned along the way:

I have learned that given the right opportunity, nearly anyone can share their story. I have been so moved by the candor, bravery and respect that has been shown on my blog this month. I have heard from many of the guest bloggers that writing their post has changed their life and that they were grateful for the opportunity. If you haven't already, take some time to go and read their posts and share their stories. I am so indebted to them for all of their honesty and love. As a result of the show and the blog, many others that I know as well as complete strangers have opened up to me and shared how mental illness and loss has impacted their lives.  Many have asked to write next year if I decide to do the blog project again.

Curating a month of blog posts about mental illness, mental health, death, grief and many other intense subjects requires you to be an editor, confidante, friend, cheerleader and therapist. It is fulfilling, demanding and oh-so worth it.

When your very first solo show sells out ten days before the event, you will cry at your desk and then run around skipping. And squeal. A lot. And probably cry some more.

Amid songs and stories about the life and suicide of your mom, you may still make people laugh and remind them of all the good in their lives. The experience will be surreal. Enjoy every second.

I have learned that 15 years after her death, I can feel closer to my mom than I have in many years. Family members have told me the same thing. This connection is beautiful and probably something I am most thankful for.

This project has taught me that even with the dreary skies, cold days and sad feelings, February can be an okay month. It's still not my favourite, but this project made me feel happier than I have in as many Februaries as I can remember.

I've learned that after a sold out show filled with a loving, kind, beautiful audience, you may come crashing down a bit and spend a weekend feeling all the emotions you would normally feel in a whole month. This won't be easy, but with the right support system, manageable.

I have learned that those of us dealing with mental health concerns are truly not alone and how important it is to be there for those who need the extra support. A huge number of people have reached out to tell me how this project has touched them and have agreed that it is something that we need to be talking about and focusing our energies upon. This isn't a one day effort or a month long effort - it needs to be happening year round. I have gained a whole new network of people who share this belief and trust that they will help to keep the conversation going and work towards erasing the negative stigma and helping those who need it.  #letstalk

I have been reminded what incredible friends and family and supporters I have in my life. Everyone's love, kindness and generosity has been wonderful. Thank you for all that you've done to help me bring this project into fruition.

Above all else, I have confirmed that life truly is sweet.

I never doubted this fact but the show and blog posts and the support I have received from my friends, family, bloggers, Facebook friends and twitter followers has been unbelievable.  I recently fell in love with the quote "there is so much beauty that you haven't seen yet. don't give up now" And that resonated so deeply.

Sometimes we are faced with more than we think we can handle.

Persevere.
Push through.
Ask for help.

You will get through it and come out stronger on the other side.

Life is sweet in spite of the challenges that come our way and I hope that this project has been a reminder of that for you too.

Removing the Stigma Surrounding Mental Health

A big component of this blog series and my show has been about working to eradicate the stigma around mental health. Even though 1 in 5 of us will have direct experience with mental illness in our lifetime, there is still a lot of negativity out that that just needs to go. On February 12, I saw more people discussing mental illness candidly than I ever had before and rather than save it for one day when donations are being made and a hashtag is created, the discussion needs to be ongoing. I'm really proud that the Life is Sweet series has opened up a dialogue and I truly want that to continue. 

I used to think that Twitter was silly, but it has connected me to some incredible people, like Joseph, who I wouldn't have met otherwise. He has been an awesome supporter of this project and I am so happy he got on board to write. 

For years (more years than any of us have been alive) there has been a stigma around mental illness that has prevented us from speaking openly about it. As a sad consequence, there has been an extreme lack of resources for those of us who need help, or perhaps even sadder those resources may exist but an awareness of where or how to find them does not.

We see extreme cases of what happen when help isn't readily available in such tragedies as the recent Newtown shooting, or virtually a host of other heart-wrenching examples. One thing I have learned in life, though, is that nothing is just good or bad... it's both. Every shadow has it's sunshine. All of the darkness that we see such as the many sad stories of untreated mental illness resulting in tragedy all carry a ray of sunshine. It's apparent to all that because of the recent Newtown tragedy that we are starting to speak more openly about mental illness. (Take, for example, the articles of "I am Adam Lanza's..." mother, psychiatrist, doctor that sprung up so quickly after the shootings in Connecticut.) We are making great strides in removing the stigma that holds so many of us back from finding the help we need. 

I am excited about any and all of these developments that shine light on these important issues, including the recent #BellLetsTalk initiative. But there is also much more that I believe needs to be done. And, I don't believe the solution is going to be found in talking about mental illness more. It's a good start, but there is a deeper stigma that needs to be removed. What we really need to do is remove the stigma around mental health.

It may sound too simple, but mental health is more important than mental illness. None of us fall into a box of mentally ill or mentally healthy. It's not an either/or proposition. Instead of looking at this issue of "check this box for mentally ill, or the other for mentally healthy" we would benefit far more by looking at our mental & emotional well being as a spectrum. 

We do this with health & fitness. Or, at the very least, we are starting to do so a lot more. We no longer just count on our doctor to tell us if we are "healthy" or "unhealthy." Most people realize that they could be healthier than they currently are, or they see that they are now in a better state of health than they were last year. We all acknowledge that eating more vegetables, and less donuts, will be good our bodies. As will trading in that diet coke for water, the deep fried French fries for a salad, or choosing to walk or bike to work instead of driving our car. Should we not begin to acknowledge the same for our mental wellness? Some things will strengthen it, others will weaken it. 

Now this isn't a discussion about whether doing or not doing something causes mental illness. If you think about physical wellness, nobody is so naive to say that having that one slice of sugar-frosted cake instead of some organic kale chips causes diabetes... BUT we are aware enough to know that it has an effect. We know that one is better for our health than the other. We are also aware that those who regularly opt for the kale chips instead of the cake are far healthier physically. In many ways it's the same for mental health. Mental illness is a complex issue, far beyond my full comprehension. What I do know, however, is that if we shift our thinking away from either/or this "caused it" or didn't to what supports or what doesn't, then we will see much more individual - and collective - progress. 

Sadly, we have stigmatized mental health in such a way that many positive things we can do for ourselves are stigmatized as well. Far too often I see the perception that those who work with a therapist, counselor or a coach are broken. Or the sentiment that support groups & group counseling are for the weak. "People only see therapists when they are broken enough to need help to even function in life" is a paradigm that seems to pervade much of the population, and it is holding us back. Big time.

Let's switch back to the physical health analogy for a second. People who work with personal trainers are rarely viewed as the lowest on the spectrum of physically fitness. In fact, it's quite the opposite. All the elite athletes work with trainers, or even a team of trainers, and get the best results. When an everyday person hires a personal trainer, they begin to get better results and see a much faster transformation. We often regard them as committed to their goals, motivated and see them as high performers. We admire them for their examples, and often aspire to the same. 

Why is it not the same for mental health? 

It should be, and it can be. We can make that shift happen. 

Improving our own mental wellness

Shifting from a "broken VS healthy" mindset to that a spectrum, allows us to enjoy a much higher quality of life. I'm reminded of a powerful formula that I remember learning as an athlete in high school. 

Performance = potential - resistance. 

This formula applies to athletics, physics, my career in marketing, and probably in many others. It also applies to mental health. 

In simple terms, our happiness in the present moment (potential) is equal to the hope we have in our future (potential), less the degree to which we let the past hold us back (resistance).

Happiness, being the aim & end of our existence, can be increased by improving the view we have of our future, and by eliminating the resistance created by a past we can't let go of. We can improve our view of the future through the standard path of personal development. Eliminating the resistance of the past is the realm of addressing childhood trauma, learning to embrace our shadows, forgiving others - and ourselves - of less than picture perfect memories.

Improving our collective mental wellness

We need to remove the judgment of others that becomes implicit with the paradigm of mentally ill or not. Instead of this us VS them mindset, a paradigm of a wellness spectrum becomes more of a "we" issue. We're all in this together, and our communities, and planet, all get better as any individual gets better.

This simplest way to do this is to ask the question "How are you?" and actually mean it. In North America, we use the phrase "how are you?" as a greeting, without expecting a real answer. This is obvious by the way we ask it while still walking past each other. How many times have we automatically answered "I'm good. You?" and just kept walking? Even when we are feeling depressed, neurotic, overwhelmed, etc, we often just say "Good, you?" because we know the asker doesn't really want to know. I knew a man who would get an honest answer out of anyone he asked, though, because of the simple reason that he'd stop, hold your hand and look you in the eyes as he asked, and then waited for a response. If you'd answer "good, you?" he'd say "How are you really?" and always provoke a thoughtful response.

Also, let's embrace the positive change of others. I recall the story of a woman who is a Well known speaker on the topic of self-acceptance. An overweight woman herself, she spoke of the power that comes from rejecting society's skewed notion of runway model beauty and learning to love ourselves exactly as we are. Her message was liberating others, especially those who didn't fit the mold of tall, skinny, magazine-cover "beautiful." When, however, she decided to start losing weight (after hearing her doctor report that recent test results showed that her health was in jeopardy) her followers began to criticize her for "selling out" and being inauthentic in her message. What she was really doing, was taking another step forward to improve her quality of life. Eliminating her earlier resistance of feeling inadequate for not being skinny was a powerful step in increasing her happiness and emotional well being. Improving her potential by becoming healthier was another powerful step. We often quote that "misery loves company" but we need to remember to celebrate when people make positive changes, even if those changes may leave us behind temporarily. Instead of holding ourselves and each other back, we need to exhibit attitudes of encouragement and shift to a mindset of "growth loves company" and help each other along on our journey.

So, tell me... How are you today, really?

Joseph Ranseth is an author, speaker and marketer who refuses to write a bio. He's one of my favourite people and I am grateful to call him a friend. Follow him on the Twitter and he'll tell you about having the #BestDayEver, well, every day. He runs a purpose-driven marketing company with an official launch just around the corner. 

One Ballet Class

Since losing my mom I've shared so many of these thoughts about having a child of my own someday. This is Teresa's second post for the Life is Sweet project. You can read her other post here

I’m at my 3 yr old goddaughters ballet class. I put her in it, because she is a classic girl and her mother is not. Piper Jean loves pink and rubbing noses, doesn’t care for getting dirty. Her mother is a dreadlocked hippy with an older daughter that loves bugs and quiet, and sometimes she doesn’t know what to do with this feminine little social butterfly. She wants to play princess, wear flouncy dresses and paint nails. I like to think she gets it from me.

So I put her in the very class I started at when I was 3, at the Holly Hughes Academy for young girls. And every Thursday, just like when I did, she marches in her little pink tights and soft salmon shoes, ready for dance. She sports a tiny bun made of her silk spun hair that never stays in, pushed off her little face still small enough to fit in my hands with a tender headband to catch the unruly wispy baby hairs on my little lady’s face.

Thursday is our day; I pick her up an hour early. She tells me stories I don’t always understand; chattering on inanely, and I listen intently as though she is telling me the cure for cancer. We go for a milk and a snack, and as always, I tell her about staying healthy and making good choices about what we eat.  Already at 3, she doesn’t care for fast food and steals my zucchini off my plate when we have dinner. She gets that from me too, I suppose, she is the only health conscious 3 year old I know. Her first swear word was when we drove past a McDonalds and she said ‘That shit will kill you’, and I realized my little girl was sponging off my word. I have no children of my own, but she is the closest thing I have to mine. When she was a baby, her poor mother was 21, with a demanding toddler, a screaming newborn and an absent boyfriend. I took one look at her raspberry lips, her little blue eyes, and her little clenched fist and I was hooked.  The first time I met Piper, she glanced around the room unimpressed, as though she perhaps took a wrong turn somewhere out of the womb. And I remember thinking, ‘okay, I get that. Maybe we can get along’. This is the baby girl I cradled into my chest for months, giving her mother my gift of martyrdom, as though my presence would give her a break from the demands of motherhood, but in reality it was entirely selfish: I was falling in love with this little girl. And in her fussiest of times, when no one else would do, I could always still soothe her. She would scream and wail for anyone else, but I seemed to have the right concave of chest, the perfect sink in my collarbone. She would collapse into me as though it was me she was screaming for, as though the jut of my chin resting against her temple was the very thing she needed to sleep. And we grew together, that baby girl and I, just like that.  I held her hand while we walked and stumbled around parks and bumped heads on coffee tables, and she held my hand as we stumbled through uncharted territory for me: Loving a child. Because when your mother dies when you’re 7, this ends up being an issue for you. Although I have always been the mother hen among my group of friends, having a child scares the bejesus out of me.  It brings up all sorts of insecurities with me: What if I’m not good at it, what if you need to see that sort of thing in your own life to be able to mother another? What if I’m just too selfish of a person for that now? My life is a constant self-indulgence of doing what I want, when I want, albeit a very fulfilling one at that. But what if I’ve filled myself up so much there’s no room for a child? And the very scariest question of all: What if I have a child, and am an amazing mother, what if I love her perfectly and sweetly, and then I die and leave her too? I can’t even imagine. But then here, this little blond princess broke into me, and showed me that there is room, especially for little ballerinas.

And it is here, on the bench where I wait for her to finish learning plies’ and spins, with the other moms, that somehow, 20 years after mine left that I get closer to my mother. My memories of my mother are unfortunately, not all pleasant, and the others; sparse. She was sick for years, and although I have a couple happy memories, there isn’t really any day to day dealings I remember of her, other than sitting in a cafeteria, being minded my a nurse that fed me oatmeal cookies while we waiting for her chemo to be over.  But today I spy a young mother with her little girl, waiting for a sibling to finish class. And they have the rhythm that only a mother and daughter can have. She knows which way to lay into her, and her mother knows the exact second that she will begin crying, and has an arsenal of fail safe jokes to make her smile. She tickles her, kisses her in places that only mothers kiss their children: the back of the ears, palms of germy hands; places too intimate for others. Her daughter giggles with glee in the way that only small children can when they are around someone they know will always think they are funny. And it takes everything I can do to not cry. All I can think is ‘My mother must have done this with me’.  Surely there are a million instances where my mother tenderly showed me she loved me, surely only she knew the right song to sing to me.  I don’t think about my parents as often as I probably should, but in moments like these, I yearn for her in ways I can never explain unless you too, are a little girl that has lost her mother. People think that when you lose someone and the white-hot surge of loss is gone that so is the longing, but it’s not. It happens here, in random moments, where you are watching a little girl with her mother that you’re quite sure that if you move one inch to the left your heart will explode in your chest right there from sadness. There are no purer, sadder moments in my life than where I stop and think ‘I miss my mother’. So where does that leave me? Will I always be too terrified to finally have a child of my own? I mean, Piper is not even mine, and the natural instincts I feel for her are intense; even the thought of anyone ever hurting her makes my blood boil. How can I ever risk being completely cut open like that? Will I die without leaving any real legacy behind? I don’t believe you have to have children to be a woman, plenty of people are fine without them, and I could very well be one of them; but did I really want there to not be a person out there who came from me? Who never has my genes, my eyes, my wit? Will there ever be anyone out there who says they ‘get that’ from me?

Piper Jean comes out of class just in time to break my pity party before the tears come.  Flying out of class would be more appropriate here actually, Piper does everything the same, whether it’s exiting a room or entering a heart: Headfirst, at top speed. She prattles on about the move she learned today, not pausing for a breath, shows me the sticker she got for being a good dancer, and waves goodbye to her ‘best friends’, because in Pipers world, everyone is her best friend. I help her into her coat, change her shoes and scoop up her taffeta covered butt to load her in the truck. Her teacher comes out and tells me that Piper is the most accomplished dancer in the class, as though at 3 years old, they are practicing Swan Lake and not doing jumping frogs.  She crouches down to my little frog, and asks her ‘How are you such a good dancer already?!’.  Piper Jean, delighted in the solo attention, jumps up off her little rose colored feet, and shouts ‘I get it from my Auntie Teresa!!’,. And although this time it will swell from only love and pride, I wonder how many times my heart can feel like it’s going to burst out of their chest in just one ballet class.

Teresa is a writer, traveler, nutritionist, tour manager and hula hoop champion.  She likes bukowski, the ocean, holding hands, Roswell reruns, and long, romantic walks down the organic produce aisle. Her blog (www.dancesinthedark.com) is currently under construction, but until then you can find her on twitter @thebandiswithme 

Let the light shine in

I love having a lot of beautiful souls in my life who understand that depression is more than 'just a bad day' and have strategies for how to manage it. In today's Life is Sweet post, Ashley talks about her own personal experience with depression along with some of the ways she found healing in her journey. 

Depression is a hard concept to understand for those who have never experienced it. It cuts deeper than general sadness or grief, nor is it a feeling which comes and goes or passes after a few days.

I experienced depression more than a year ago now, and I still remember the uncontrollable sobbing, the dark fog and sometimes, the stinging numbness. I remember desperately trying to stop the tears and put on a happy(er) face when I had to function in public. At the time, I was finishing my designation to become a holistic nutritionist and was already a practicing yoga instructor. I felt ashamed by my feelings. I was the one who was supposed to have it altogether and be the example. Because of this, I was afraid to share my experience.

I know now, that I was not alone in that fear and shame.  There are so many people who are afraid to share or talk about what they are going through, and instead they plaster on a frozen smile. Depression shouldn’t be something that we hide or feel ashamed about. In fact, mental illnesses, such as depression or anxiety are not so subtle clues that something deeper needs to be addressed.

In our current society, mental illness is treated as a shameful disease and the individual is medicated with a ‘band-aid solution’ pharmaceutical drug which can be even more dangerous than the illness itself. I am not saying that medication should never be used, especially in extreme cases, but it shouldn’t be the only solution. Overcoming this illness can take bravery, looking into those dark corners of yourself that are triggering the depression or anxiety.

Listen to Your Feelings:

It is often a much easier to ignore what your emotions and pretend everything is ‘fine’ and you’re just feeling a little ‘depressed’. However, to really understand what are feeling and why you are experiencing these deep emotions you have to go a little bit deeper. Close your eyes and get quiet; look into those dark paces of yourself where the sadness, guilt, shame and anger are hiding. Only in acknowledging what thoughts and emotions you are experiencing, can you heal yourself.

Let Your Emotions Free:

Acknowledge and release that darkness to let the light shine in (or find the lightness and love which already exists within you). Whether it be taking to a trusted friend, family member or professional, let those feelings out without editing them. There is no reason to feel shame for experiencing depression. Continuing to internalize those feelings will only keep them trapped in the same ongoing cycle. If you are not yet ready to talk to someone, write your feelings down. Just keep writing without over thinking and don’t judge anything during the process.

Embrace who you are:

Are you an introvert trying to be an extrovert? Are you in a relationship that doesn’t light you up? Are you working in a career that goes against your true values? Trying to be somebody different than who you really are or not listening to your true values forces you to compromise yourself. Over time this can drain your energy; trying to fill a role that you are not meant to be in. You may feel as if you’re never good enough or can never live up to standards which someone else has set for you. Take time to explore your unique qualities, and what you truly want in your life. Be honest. By embracing what makes you truly unique, you can live by the standards and values which you create. You can get excited to share the best authentic version of yourself!

Move into Freedom:

Activities like yoga and dancing can help to bring movement into those areas of the body where we all store emotions. Finding movement through the torso, hips and chest (heart centre) can begin to free up stuck emotions. This freedom of movement can allow emotions to pass on their own or expose themselves if they were hidden.  Movement also brings the focus of the mind from the constant mental chatter to the physical body. This can distract you from constantly dwelling on stressful thoughts and emotions, bringing you periods of relaxation and peace.

Nourish Yourself:

We often crave unhealthy foods as a way to cope with or suppress unwanted emotions. Eating a diet of unhealthy foods will not provide the nourishment your body needs. Lack of nutrients in and of itself can lead to depression or mental illness. So start to walk away from the coffee, fast and pre-packaged foods. Learn to prepare and eat foods which uplift and strengthen the body. Drink lots of pure, filtered water and incorporate more fresh fruits, vegetables and clean protein into your diet. Providing yourself with the essential nutrients your body needs each day can have a dramatic effect on your energy and mood. It is one of the most wholesome forms of self love. 

I share these tips with you as they were all a key part of my healing path. The inner work can be scary and will take time to process, so don’t be afraid to share it or work with a professional. Eventually the light will begin to shine in again, and please, pay it forward. Share your journey and touch the heart of somebody who may be struggling. If I can touch even one person by sharing my experience with depression, it means the world.

As a yoga instructor and holistic nutritionist, Ashley encourages people to walk the path their true nature intended. This is a fancy way of saying that by choosing health you can feel awesome everyday, so you can live a life you love. Ashley left a career in interior design to pursue a more holistic path, knowing she wanted to make a difference in her own life and in yours. Specializing in emotional eating, Ashley thinks addressing emotions are just as important as the food we eat. Health and happiness are not just concepts to strive for, they can become your natural state of being.

All I can give you is love

There was a very special group of people at the show on Friday including a bunch of family members and friends who had the pleasure of knowing my mom. For today's Life is Sweet post I wanted to share some memories that they had shared with me about my mom as I was putting together the show and the blog series.

Due to circumstances beyond their control, my mom and her two older sisters did not grow up together and were separated for 25 years. My mom called their reunion a dream come true, something she had wished for for many years. I feel so lucky to have both of my aunts in my life and it was wonderful to have them both in the audience. My aunt Sharon sent me a story being reunited with my mom in 1993.

"Can you imagine sitting at a restaurant and seeing two woman staring at each other and hysterically laughing at each other? People probably thought we were crazy. Each time we would start a conversation, we would go again laughing and crying at the same time. It was us looking at one another after 25 years apart. It was like looking in a mirror at ourselves. We couldn't get over it."

My Aunt Sandy said that one of her favourite memories of my mom was a weekend in 1997 when my mom and Aunt Sharon went to visit Sandy in Quebec. She said they laughed from the time my mom arrived until she left. Sadly it was the last time she saw my mom.

One of my favourite pictures of my mom and I was taken at her friend Brenda's wedding where my mom was the maid of honour.

my mom and I at Brenda's wedding

My mom and Brenda were friends since they were kids, and it was so special to have her at the show on Friday

"I remember the first time I saw sadness in your mom, we were still teenagers. She hadn't gone to school for a few days and when I called her she wouldn't come to the phone, so I finally just knocked on her door, your grandmother let me in. Your mom had her wrist all wrapped up. 

It didn't jump out at me like you think it should have, it was her sadness that jumped out more. She was numb. She told me she cut herself in a attempt to take her own life. Why, a thousand times over... WHY? She said pain and hate; it choked her. I never understood; she was so popular, had lots of friends, always seemed happy to me - what was I missing????? Until that day I didn't know things were not the way they appeared.

I have learned though your Mom's death that sickness doesn't always show itself, that depression is isolating. I knew she had an illness, but I never really saw it... I saw my friend Debbie Gibson... beautiful inside and out"

Brenda & I 

At the show I shared a story about my mom that my friend Tamara had sent. Tamara and I were inseparable in the seventh grade and my mom loved her like a second daughter. 

"I remember the day we went to Gerrard Square and you bought that greyish blue long skirt for our upcoming dance. When we got home you tried it on for your mom and we talked about the boys we were into at the time. Your mom just sat and talked with us, she was attentive and smiling.

I love that she was always supportive. I don't ever remember her saying anything negative to you or hurtful. Her words were always warm and loving. She completely accepted me like her own and I always felt welcome around her. It always felt easy talking to her, especially about boys"

I told this story at the show, because on the day I bought that skirt I also bought the first Spice Girls album (which became the soundtrack of my life for the seventh grade) I talked about seeing the Spice Girls in concert a few years ago and how fascinating it was to see how the meaning of the songs had changed for them, especially Mama. That song has also taken on a very different meaning for me and I was very happy to include it in the show.

I can't believe it's been 15 years that she's been gone. I've felt closer to her this month than I have in a long time and I'm so thankful for that.