Finding Forgiveness

Talking to my bloggers last year about their experience writing for the project was incredible. Many were uncertain about writing, others were unsure how their content would be received. After the month was over, many told me how therapeutic is was for them to write and be more at peace with their feelings and experience. When I heard Shannon's account of forgiveness, I thought it would be especially appropriate for her to write and share that experience for Life is Sweet month. 

“I forgive you”…three small albeit powerful words that can change you.

Last year, I had the privilege of sharing my story for the Life is Sweet project. Sharing my experience with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and depression, in I Want You to Know that Life is Sweet, was difficult and terrifying and almost did not happen. However, something from deep within urged me to break open the past and with a giant breath I shared the details of something I rarely spoke of—the time I tried to commit suicide. This part of my past was the skeleton I kept hidden in the furthest depths of my closet since I was 12 years old, in hopes it would just disappear. I hated acknowledging its presence because of the pain surrounding it and because it felt like my “dirty little secret” that would expose me for who I really was…not perfect, and simply human.

Twelve months later, I am incredibly grateful for embracing the opportunity that Ashley and the Life is Sweet project presented. I am grateful because of what I received in return, forgiveness. Forgiveness from the most important person in my life, myself.

It did not dawn on me—though it makes absolutely perfect sense—that I needed to forgive 12 year old me for a choice I made 22 years ago. That part of my journey feels like a lifetime ago and while I am not defined by my depression or my actions all those years ago, there was a small hole in my heart that ached when a glimmer of my past came to mind.

It wasn’t until recently, when reflecting on the 13 things I was grateful for in 2013, that I realized what had occurred. I did not actually have a profound moment where, looking in the mirror, I boldly declared “I forgive you.” It just happened. It happened through breaking open my past and participating in Life is Sweet. It happened as I shed the many tears while writing. It happened as I listened to and read the reactions of loved ones, friends, and even strangers and as they continued to embrace me in the same way they always had. It happened as people bravely confided in me their experiences with depression—I cannot begin to tell you how much that meant to me. It happened when I let go of the “dirty little secret” concept and the skeleton just evaporated into thin air. “I forgive you” just happened because it was time. It was time to forgive myself and love myself completely. I knew this moment of forgiveness had come when I thought back to my experience with Life is Sweet and my past, and no longer felt that tiny aching hole. It was a powerful realization.

It’s hard to describe how this realization feels, however, a quote from Gabrielle Bernstein's Facebook page articulates it perfectly. The quote appeared just as I finished writing this. Talk about timely! “When we change the way we feel about what’s happened to us in our past, our body chemistry changes in the present.” –Lori Leyden #SpiritJunkie

As I shared in I Want You to Know that Life is Sweet, the depression I live with now is very different from the depression I experienced growing up and thoughts of suicide never cross my mind. There are days though where I do struggle with SAD and depression. It seems to sneak up unexpectedly and the easiest of tasks and the things I love most feel like the biggest, most exhausting challenges—like I had climbed Mount Everest without any training. I wish this wasn’t the case, but I know that I don’t have control over that. What I do instead is embrace those moments, even when it is hard to do, urging myself to be gentle and kind to me until it passes—I take a nap or two…or three, cook a favourite meal, curl up with a cup of tea and a good book, curl up and watch a movie, practice yoga, close my eyes and calm my mind with meditation, or simply just be. Sometimes it passes quickly and sometimes it stays a little longer, but it does pass.

I also shared that I would be transitioning from medication to working with a clinical nutritionist to treat depression naturally. That has happened and I have also: returned to therapy, slowly but surely started practicing yoga and meditation on a regular basis, and have started exploring light therapy. So far these have been working for me.

For those who are struggling with depression and those who have not yet forgiven themselves for something from their past, I leave you with this:

I want you to know that life is sweet. I want you to know that so many wonderful things are in store for you that you do not yet know about. You are not alone and there is love around you, even if it may not feel like it. If you need help, please hold on to hope and reach out to someone. Your experience around depression is not a “dirty little secret”. You are human. You are amazing, and deserve to know that life is sweet. And, when you are ready, forgive yourself. You deserve that too.

By day Shannon works in the not-for-profit fundraising sector. At night she dabbles in theatre and explores her interest in health, wellness, nutrition and personal development. You’ll find her sharing her discoveries on Twitter and Instagram at @ShanDMC. 

I Want you to know that Life is Sweet

Today, February 12, is Bell Let's Talk Day. For every text message sent or long distance call made by Bell subscribers, Bell will donate 5 cents towards mental health initiatives across Canada. Not a Bell subscriber? Bell will also donate 5 cents for each tweet using the #BellLetsTalk hashtag or Facebook share of their Bell Let's Talk image. Visit the Facebook event or Twitter account for more details. I think this is an amazing initiative that is totally in line with my objective for Life is Sweet month of getting people talking and raising awareness. 

In today's post, Shannon talks about her experience with SAD and depression and is absolutely in line with Let's Talk Day's mission to get the conversation started about mental illness. She has been an amazing supporter of the Life is Sweet project and I'm so proud that she bravely took the leap to share her story and promote her belief that life truly is sweet. 

Life is sweet.

I truly believe this—no matter what life brings my way. Some may tell you that I tend to embrace the positive, sometimes with great enthusiasm and excitement, and so of course I would say such a thing. But, I tell you this as someone who once upon a time wished life away. I tell you this as someone who lives with depression.

Yes, I try to embrace the positive even when it is really, really hard. I have a wonderful life. I live in the heart of vibrant downtown Toronto. I’m independent. I have a career that has blessed me with countless opportunities for growth and travel. I dabble in theatre. I have a truly wonderful, beautiful family with whom I am blessed to have a close relationship. I am surrounded by beautiful, talented, inspiring friends. I dance through the grocery store when a great song comes on the radio, and I make up crazy little songs when out on adventures with friends. I believe life is sweet…I believe life is sweet even when there are times in the year where it is really hard getting out of bed to face the world outside of my apartment. As the seasons prepare to change and do change, something shifts from deep within and during that time mustering the energy to be social with those I love, or doing something that I am passionate about, is a challenge. The smallest of tasks feels hard. The smallest of problems feels magnified. I just want to shut down, hibernate in bed, sleep, or watch something mindless. There are times where tears are inevitable and times where I want to forsake all food except for the potato chip—my body’s carbohydrate craving of choice. I am fairly open to sharing that I live with, what all indicators point to as, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). However, I realize that I am not always open to sharing the details of what it is like living with depression and I never talk about the time where I wished life away.

I decided to open up and share this part of my life after Ashley sent out the invitation to be part of Dancing Through Life this month. I have admired her honesty about the loss of her mother and think that Life is Sweet, Even In February is a fantastic opportunity to celebrate her mother’s life, raise awareness about depression, and raise funds for the CAMH Foundation. And so, it is with a giant breath that I share with you what I do not talk about.

It feels like I have lived with depression on and off for a long time. The depression I live with now feels very different from the depression I experienced growing up. I know now that what I experience is a chemical imbalance brought on by the shortening of days and lack of sunlight, and that the depression comes and goes with the changing season. I also have a better understanding of how to deal with the depression when it is present. When I was younger, I struggled with this—whether what I was experiencing was SAD or growing pains. This struggle brings me to the part of my life that I do not talk about.

Two months shy of thirteen, I tried to commit suicide. I do not talk about this and rarely revisit the memory of that time because the decision I made then is so incredibly painful to the 33 year old woman I am now. My heart physically feels like it is ripping apart when I think about what I put my parents and brother through that day, and of all the wonderful moments in life I could have missed with them—including having my step-father and sister-in-law in my life. I have such an awesome and loving family. I had a good childhood. Yet that morning I stood in front of the bathroom mirror and I wished life away. I remember not being able to process how I was feeling. I lived in a painfully small town. I am a PK (Preacher’s Kid) and that used to result in sometimes relentless teasing from kids.  It also resulted in outside pressures to be perfect, but never pressure from my family. I was bullied. My family was struggling with something at the time and while I did not know what it was then, I must have sensed it. I felt sad. And in that moment, I did not know how to handle all of this. For some reason, I thought suicide was the answer and I hate that this is a part of my journey. Some details of that summer’s day have been forgotten and some have not. I prefer not to dwell on that time, but focus on what I have learned and the woman I am now. Not who I was then.

In January 2006—after a period of feeling sad, angry, like a different person, and apparently being increasingly difficult to deal with—I decided it was time to speak with my doctor about what I was experiencing. Throughout the years I have been to therapy and in that safe space openly talked about how I was feeling and my family’s history with depression.  It was through the conversation with my doctor that I realized I showed signs of having SAD and began taking an anti-depressant. It was also at this time that I unfortunately learned why some choose to keep their struggles with depression silent. As I went through the challenges of finding the medication that was right for me, I began a two year relationship with someone who through words and actions made me feel as though something was wrong with me for how I was feeling. It went like this: What is this medication for? Why are you taking medication? Why can’t you be okay with diet and exercise alone? This book says that you can cure depression through diet and exercise. How are you feeling today? The latter is a loaded question that I grew to hate. I began to feel like something was wrong with me, that I was broken. I wish I could go back to that time, give myself a comforting hug, and tell myself to dump that boyfriend ASAP. There is nothing wrong with me. I am not broken. I am not defined by my depression or my actions all those years ago. I believe this goes for anyone, even if they have a hard time seeing it. I believe we should have open conversations about depression and mental illness, and honestly not judge. Every time I see advertising with this message, I feel uplifted. I also believe that how we choose to treat depression is personal and that we shouldn’t fear seeking help. I also believe that my experience is not everyone’s experience, that I am not an expert, and that what works for me may not work for everyone. I believe that if you need help, reach out and hold onto hope. Please hold onto hope, even if there is just a glimmer of it.

While I am being honest, I will share with you that this past fall was an incredibly hard time for me. I was stressed with something in my life, life felt hard, and I was depressed…my bed became my best friend when I wasn’t on the go and, okay, I ate potato chips—a shameful amount at times. At 33 years old, I have learned to acknowledge how I am feeling and to remind myself that it will pass. I have learned that sometimes I just have to be with how I am feeling, but that I also need to breathe and take it a moment at a time as I put one foot in front of the other.  No matter how bad it feels or if I can’t quite see light at the end of the tunnel, thoughts of suicide never pass my mind. I know that I will get through it somehow, someway.

This month I will begin exploring my depression a little more—something I am excited about. That sounds like a crazy statement, but here is the deal: while medication as a form of treatment has helped me, I will begin discussions with a clinical nutritionist on ways to treat depression naturally and will begin implementing that. I am also going to explore light therapy. While medication has worked for me, I now feel that this is more of a match because of my increasing interest in clean, wholesome living. In the past year I have discovered that what I put into my body impacts how I feel. Even with sometimes rampant potato chip cravings to cure my carbohydrate need, which I am sometimes successful in ignoring and sometimes not, I know that my winter and spring blues are lessened by clean, wholesome eating. For me, this is an incredible realization and in recent weeks has become non-negotiable. As we approach another change in the season, I want to remember this—even when it feels like the biggest challenge in the world.

This is my story of my experience with depression. I would like to reiterate that if you are reading this and feeling lost within your own depression, please know that life is sweet. Please remember that and know that there are so many wonderful things in store for you that you do not yet know about. If you need help, please hold onto hope and reach out to someone.

Life is sweet. I want you to know that. 

Shannon works in the not-for-profit fundraising sector while dabbling in theatre on the side. With a growing interest in health, wellness and nutrition, you'll find her sharing her discoveries on Twitter at @ShanDMC