I received this post this week and then received an almost identical message following my post on my mom's death anniversary on Tuesday. This is why the Life is Sweet series and sharing my story alongside so many others is so important to me. We are not alone.
There are often times I don’t know how to deal with my feelings. Many days I feel fine, but then all of
sudden, like from out of nowhere, BOOM, I feel every awful feeling at once. Sadness, hatred, anger,
unappreciated, overwhelmed; as if I’m drowning in my own feelings. I can’t control myself in
those moments, I’m 30 and still can’t figure out a way to control my feelings like a fully functioning adult
should. I run to the bathroom or anywhere I can lock myself from everyone else and cry and scream and
think all sorts of horrible thoughts.
In that moment I think of how much better my family would be
without me. Or would they be?
They wouldn’t have to witness my breakdowns; my children might have
a better chance at self-control, since I am certainly not a great teacher of that particular skill.
Then as I think of how I would do it, how I could end my life, I stop, breathe and think of how my friend
has felt ever since losing her mother while we were in grade school. Her mom unfortunately succumbed
to these types feelings.
I think of the wonderful things I would miss with my children, and how hurt my
family would be. How would my husband raise our kids on his own? Even though it might put an
immediate end to my internal fight, what would happen to everyone else? Then I cry harder, wishing so
much that I could control myself, my feelings, and my thoughts. I think, "what just happened in that
moment to push me over the edge? Yesterday was fine, wasn’t it?"
Many times I’ve attempted to get help. Seeing many different counselors, taking classes, trying to start
exercising regularly (which for one reason or another never happens). I feel I have not yet found
someone who is able to properly assist me. I am trying very hard not take meds yet as I want to try all the natural methods I can first. It’s not have I think there is anything wrong with medication, but I’ve
watched my mom take it since I was in elementary school and I just always hoped I could find an
alternative. However, I also am more aware that it might end up being the only thing that will help.
Since depression and anxiety run in my family I knew it was something that I needed to be mindful of, though I
often try to deny these feelings.
I’m still searching for help, and know that I want to feel better for myself, my children and my family. I
want to be the mom, daughter, sister, wife and friend that people deserve for me to be. I just am still
unsure of how to get there. I hope I will find someone who is able to help me soon so that I could at
least have the tools to take control of my feelings.
Though it’s bittersweet, I think the thought of my
friend and her mom helps keep me from doing the unthinkable. I was lucky to have known her and she
raised a beautiful human being in her short time here.