I was walking through Indigo on Friday and as I passed the new release section I caught glimpse of Danielle Steele’s new novel. I stopped in my tracks and found myself wondering what kind of books my mum would read if she were still alive. Would I be buying her Danielle Steele’s new book for Mother’s Day? Or would she have moved on to a different author by now? (Surely Ms. Steele has rehashed the same story countless times in the last few decades) I walked out into the glorious sunshine with tears streaming down my face as I thought about things like books and music and clothing and all the questions I’ll never find out the answers to.
It was fitting to have found resonance in an article on Thought Catalogue regarding the things that they don’t tell you about grief. They also don’t tell you that in the month leading up to Mother’s Day you’ll grow increasingly tired and irritated by the incessant reminders of the second Sunday in May from Google, Sephora, Indigo, Apple, KFC and every retailer known to man. They don’t tell you that your heart will sink on May 12 when you see more people than usual buying flowers at the farmer’s market. They don’t tell you to hide from Facebook and all social media as everyone wishes their mom a happy day. They even neglect to tell you that people close to you will “worry about you” because 14 years later Mother’s Day still hits you like a wall of bricks.
On a bad day I’ll start crying when I hear Dan Mangan’s Tragic Turn of Events / Move Pen Move and while the whole thing just breaks my heart, it’s the lyric you’re falling away from me and it’s just not right that really sums it up for me. It’s all the memories that I’m grasping on to and all the questions that I don’t know the answer to that hit me the hardest. Hearing about my friends’ plans for mother’s day is just a reminder that she’s not here and I don’t have the option to ask her if she already have a copy of Betrayal or if she remembers that sweet card I made you when I was in the second grade. The further away she gets, the harder it feels.
I read a great post on Hope Edleman’s blog yesterday which reminded me of a few things. Hope wrote the book Motherless Daughters which has been instrumental in my healing and understanding and I really appreciate her perspective and dedication to unifying us motherless daughters. Her post reminded me that grieving does take a lifetime. Nobody wants to talk about that part, but it’s true. Feeling as I did in Indigo on Friday really reminded me of that. That being said, I can also recognize the good that came out of my mum’s death. Yes, I said good. I know that I am who I am because of her death, and I have taken this path in my lifetime as a result of losing her when I was 13. Is it sad and awful? Absolutely. But I can truly recognize that good things have come my way because my mother died.
In her post Hope also talked about community and sharing our stories with others. I write about my mum on my blog to keep her story alive and to share what I have learned along the way. The support I receive from my beautiful readers, friends and family is a very special reminder of the love I am surrounded by and the sweet life I have created for myself. With every day that passes, I feel that my mum is slipping further and further away from me, but I realize each day that I have here is a gift and an opportunity to keep living and shining and loving.